What Is Anger?

Everyone has been angry and knows what anger is. Anger can vary widely and can be sparked by a variety of things. Anger is a natural and potentially productive emotion. However, anger can get out of control and become destructive and problematic.
So why do we get angry? People get angry when their expectations are not met -- whether those expectations are about the future, about themselves, or about others. When our expectations are unmet, we revert to illusions of control, "unrealistically expecting all people to behave and all situations to turn out as we think they should." Anger over these unmet expectations often leads us to blame others and shift aggression towards them.
Gary Ginter, a psychologist who specializes in anger management explains that there are several sources of anger: physiological, cognitive, and behavioural. Physiological anger is natural anger. In certain threatening situations, for instance when we are attacked physically, our bodies respond by making us physically angry. Cognitive sources of anger are based on how we perceive things. These perceptions may be accurate...a situation may, indeed, be threatening, or they may not be. Sometimes we will perceive a threat, even though the external situation is not actually as dangerous as we think it is. In other words, there may be no real reason for anger, but our personal biases and emotions take over, leading to aggression. Finally, behavioural sources of anger come from the environment we create for ourselves. Chronically angry people create an atmosphere in which others are aggressive in return, creating a cycle of anger.

Expressing Anger
Anger is a natural response to certain threats. As a result, aggression is sometimes the appropriate response to anger, as it allows us to defend ourselves. Therefore, a certain amount of anger is necessary. In addition, anger can be useful in expressing how we feel to others. However, we cannot get angry with everyone and everything we encounter. As a result, we must learn to express our anger appropriately.
There are three main approaches to expressing anger -- expression, suppression, and calming. Expression involves conveying your feelings in an assertive, but not aggressive, manner. This is the best way to handle your anger. However, you must make sure that you are respectful of others and are not being overly demanding or pushy, as this will likely only produce aggression in return.
Anger can also be repressed and redirected. Essentially, you want to stop thinking about the source of your anger and focus on something else that can be approached constructively. However, you must be careful when repressing angry feelings. Repressing anger with no constructive outlet can be dangerous and damaging, both physically and mentally. On the other hand, the old idea that you should simply "vent" or "let it all out" is discouraged by conflict experts, who claim that doing so is actually counterproductive, "an exercise in rehearsing the very attributions that arouse anger in the first place."
Finally, one can respond to anger by focusing on calming down -- controlling your external and internal responses to anger. Take deep breaths and relax. Several of these techniques are covered later in this article
Social Rage

The same issues that can arouse anger in individuals can also arouse anger in large groups. This concept of social rage, or social anger, is an important one for understanding conflict. Social rage is similar to personal rage, but it is generated by social issues and expressed by social groups. Examples of social rage are abundant: anger at immigrants over unemployment, hate crimes, homophobia, etc. Many of the factors at play in personal rage are also important in social rage, including humiliation and a sense of violation of expectations.

When Is Anger Good?

Anger can serve very positive functions when expressed properly. Studies continue to show that anger can have beneficial effects on individuals' health, their relationships and their work. Socially, very positive changes can come from anger -- for instance, the civil rights movement of the 1960s or the women's suffrage movement in the early 20th century. On an individual level, scientists have shown angry episodes actually strengthen personal relationships more than half of the time.
Social scientists agree that anger can be beneficial when it is expressed constructively. One way to ensure this is through the use of feedback loops. Constructive anger expression involves both parties, not just the angry person. Ideally, the angry person expresses his or her anger and the target has a chance to respond. Oftentimes, simple expression helps to ease the situation, particularly if the anger is justified. Remember that this is not simply an opportunity for someone to "vent." It must be approached with the attitude of solving a problem.

Dealing with Anger/Anger Management

As discussed, anger is not necessarily bad. Anger becomes problematic when it is expressed in improper or damaging ways. However, there are many things that can be done to help promote the constructive use of angry feelings.

Controlled Deep Breathing and Muscle Relaxation
Your breathing rate and heart rate both increase when you become emotionally aroused. You can learn to reverse these increases by deliberately slowing your breathing and/or systematically relaxing your tense muscles. Relaxing in this manner will help you to maintain control.
You may find yourself breathing quick, shallow breaths when you are upset. Allowing this shallow chest-only breathing to continue will only exacerbate your anger. Instead, take action to redirect your breathing and relax your muscles so that you will calm down. Set aside at least 15 minutes in which to do this exercise. Less time than this will not likely be beneficial!
Start your relaxation efforts by taking several slow and deep breaths in a row, each time taking care to exhale for twice as long as you inhale. Count slowly to four as you breathe in, and then breathe out slowly as you count to eight. Open your lungs and breathe deeply across the lung's full range. Your breath should enter your belly first, then your chest, and finally your upper chest just below your shoulders. Feel your ribs expand as your lungs expand. Pay attention to how your ribs return to their original location as you exhale completely. Continue this breathing pattern for several minutes, returning immediately to normal breathing if at any time you feel odd or out of breath.
Slow, deliberate and controlled deep breathing in this manner will help return your breath to a more normal, relaxed pattern. Because all things in the body are connected to each other, it is very likely that as you control your breath, you will also cause your heart rate to slow down, and some of your muscular tension to abate too.
Anger frequently manifests in the form of muscle tension. This tension can collect in your neck and shoulders which may remain tense long after your anger is gone. If your neck is tense, continue with the exercise by slowly and gently roll your head toward one shoulder and then towards the other. Coordinate your head role with your breathing. Roll your head gently to one side as you exhale, back to the centre as you inhale and to the other side as you exhale again. Carefully repeat this technique several times until you feel the muscles in your neck relax a little.
You can work out some of your shoulder tension by deliberately and carefully shrugging your shoulders and releasing them several times. Shoulder rolls backward and forward can also help. Using these techniques together will help you to relax.
As your face, neck, and shoulders become more relaxed, sees if you can identify tension in other parts of your body. If relaxation techniques alone don’t work, try the opposite – tighten and tense the stressed muscles for a slow count of ten and then release them. Be sure to release your tightened muscles immediately if you feel any pain! Move from one muscle group to the next until you have treated each section of your body to a cycle of tension and release. With a little practice, you can work your way down your entire body in a few minutes. Tensing and then relaxing your muscles can sometimes help you to achieve a better quality relaxation than relaxation alone.
In all you should give yourself 20 to 30 minutes to calm down. Keep your breathing very deep and very regular during this time. Tell yourself that you are calming yourself down and soon you will be feeling much calmer.
Relaxation techniques such as described just above can help you to relax, and have the positive side effect of helping you to stop focusing on being angry. They also give you time to think about the situation that has upset you; time that will help you generate fresh solutions to the problems you are facing.
Depending on your needs, you may choose to work with a counsellor or counselling group to get control of your anger, or you may be able to do the work on your own using one of the self-study resources available.
A word of caution is important here. Research shows again and again that it is hard to change habitual behaviour, and that it is easier to make and sustain real changes in behaviour when you have a good support group. For this reason, if you are really serious about changing the way you handle anger, you are likely to be better off participating in a formal anger management program than taking the self study approach. A formal program provides structure to guide your change process, helps motivate you to continue to work when you might otherwise want to quit, and helps you recognize and be proud of the progress you make.
The following is a brief overview of the types of anger management programs and resources available.

Individual and Group Therapy for Anger Management
For some people, the easiest way to change the way they handle anger is to work with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional in an individual or group therapy setting. A therapist, who can observe and analyze your behaviour from an impartial perspective, can help you with your reality testing. An anger management therapist will also be expert in all manner of effective anger management strategies, and will be able to help you develop a personalized set of strategies for changing both your thinking and behaviour that will work best for you.
If you go the therapy route, make sure that you select the right kind of therapist! There are multiple schools of therapy out there. Therapists who subscribe to dynamic, psychodynamic, humanistic, or psycho spiritual schools of thought may lead clients to get better in touch with their feelings. Instead of exploring your feelings, you want to be learning to control them. A cognitive-behavioural therapist will generally be in the best position to help you do this.
There are a few other qualities you'll want to select for in a therapist. Any therapist you select should be licensed by their state. Additionally, they will ideally have been trained in anger management techniques and therapies or have specialized their practice for anger management problems.
A typical course of therapy for anger management unfolds more like a class than a traditional therapy session. Participants are helped to become conscious of their emotional, cognitive and physical responses to anger and the different ways they respond to conflict. Depending on your needs, your therapist may work with you on breathing or meditation exercises to reduce anger arousal, safe and appropriate emotional and physical techniques to release anger, communication skills, or 'cognitive restructuring'.
Therapy can take several months to have an effect. On average progress may be visible after 8 or 10 sessions. How much progress you make will in part be determined by how dedicated you are to the process: how regularly you attend, how much you take the lessons to heart, and how often you practice your homework.

Anger Management Classes
Anger management classes may be available through your employer, or through a variety of organizations serving your community. Anger management classes vary in length and quality. While some stretch across multiple weeks and begin to approximate the therapy approach described above, others span a single weekend only. It is better to select a longer class than a shorter one if you have a choice, as longer classes will provide you with more sustained support for your change process. Regardless of their length, anger management classes will often assign you homework projects to complete, and will use quiz to track your progress through the course.
Think carefully about your specific needs when choosing to participate in an anger management class. Do you need help dealing with your anger in general, or would you benefit more from a class geared toward couples? If most of your issues occur in the workplace, would a seminar about anger management in the workplace be more helpful? Perhaps you have been asked by your employer or mandated by the courts to attend classes.

Self-Study
You can learn to deal with your anger issues on your own in a number of different ways. Video and audio recordings and online classes allow you to complete programs in your spare time and work at your own speed. Some of these programs offer email or phone support, and online message boards or chat groups.
If you are looking for a more specialized approach to anger management, such as strategies specifically tailored for women or for corporate executives, your local library or book store might be your best resource.

Controlled Thinking
People stop thinking clearly when they are angry. Angry people tend to make up their minds about a situation right away, and then spend so much time focusing on how they feel and how the situation affects them that they forget to pay attention to anything else. You have a much better chance of keeping yourself under control if you can manage to keep your attention from turning completely inward towards your hurt or angry feelings, and instead keep yourself focused on understand the situation you're faced with.
Do what you can to 'squeeze the meaning' out of your angry impulses. Ask yourself what the anger is telling you and what you can learn from it. What about this particular situation is making you angry? How can you improve the situation and improve your anger at the same time?
Importantly, do not believe that you must respond to the anger-provoking situation right away. Most situations are flexible enough for you to take some time to gather yourself together, calm yourself down and really think about the situation before you must act. You might even take time to talk a troubling situation over with trusted advisers. The more you can approach a troubling situation in a prepared and relaxed manner, the greater are your chances of getting what you want from that situation.

Reality Testing
When an accused criminal goes to trial in America, there is an assumption that he or she is innocent until proven guilty. Angry people do not make this assumption, however. Instead, they presume that people they are upset with are simply guilty. Angry people blame others for things that have gone wrong. Underlying this blaming is an attribution that angry people make, which is that the target of their anger has caused things to go wrong. But this is not always the case! Sometimes the target of an angry person's wrath is an innocent bystander who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and got blamed for something he or she didn't do. In order to better manage anger, then, it is important for angry people to slow down and not simply act on their aggressive first impulses, and instead do some reality testing so as to know whether their anger is truly justified or not.
The first step towards building good reality testing habits is to give up your assumption that your first impression of a situation is always accurate. It is hard to know the objective truth of situations. Each of us sees only one side of every interaction. Reality is often more complex than our simple senses are capable of appreciating.
By way of illustration, consider that that for thousands of year’s educated and intelligent people thought that the world was flat. They thought that if you were to sail too far away from land you could fall over the edge of the world and be destroyed. In fact, the world still looks quite flat if you simply look at it. We only know it is round because we've sailed around it and have returned to our starting place, and because we've been into space and have looked down on it from above. In this case, our simple senses deceive us, and we must rely on fancy techniques to know the truth of the situation.
The first scholars to propose that the earth was round were dismissed as cranks. It was only as evidence began to mount in favour of a spherical earth rather than a flat one that public opinion shifted to favour the view we hold today. People who thought the world was flat were not stupid - they just didn't have access to the evidence they needed to know the truth. Angry people need to recognize that their first impulses to be angry in a given situation might very well turn out to be as misguided as was our ancestors' belief in a flat earth.
In short, angry people need to stop and gather more complete evidence before passing judgment if they want to better manage their anger.

Black and White Thinking
It is easier to accept that your first angry impressions might not represent a complete and accurate picture of a troubling situation when you understand the world to be a complex place. Recognizing complexity is difficult for some angry people who are in the habit of seeing the world in either "Black" or "White" terms. Many angry people speak in polarized generalities, insisting that things must "always" be a certain way, or that people should "never" behave in a particular way. They may concentrate on the negative sides of things instead of acknowledging the positive aspects that may also be present. They may rapidly jump to conclusions without bothering to verify whether or not their understanding is correct. These polarized black and white habits of thought need to be broken down so that shades of gray can be recognized before anger management progress will occur in a lasting way.

Talking It Out Helps
Once you are open to the possibility that your first impressions might be incorrect or incomplete, there are several ways to test those impressions so as to gain a better, more complete understanding.
One of the best ways to reality test is to talk with other people who have witnessed the angering situation or event. What do they think happened? How do they think the problem was caused? If you believe that a particular person has damaged you, for example, and other people strongly tend to see the situation the same way you do, then you are more justified in feeling angry at that person then you would be if other people saw the situation very differently than you. Other people's input can help you to appreciate more of the complexity of the situation than you can know on your own.

The Benefit Of The Doubt
A quick alternative reality testing method to consulting with others is to use the venerable "Count to 10 before you act" rule, otherwise known as giving the target of your anger the benefit of the doubt. As your angry reaction rises to meet a situation, put the breaks on it for a while. Do what you can to calm yourself. Then look for alternative explanations that might account for the situation you're upset about. Take for example a situation where someone is driving slowly in front of you on the freeway, blocking you from getting where you need to go in an efficient manner. Your first impulse might be to scream at the slow driver for being incompetent. By counting to 10 before you scream, you give yourself time to consider alternative possibilities that might account for the situation. Perhaps the slow driver has faulty breaks or some other mechanical problem with his car and needs to drive slowly so as to maintain control while on his way to the repair shop. Perhaps the slow driver has had several tickets recently and is driving at exactly the speed limit so as to avoid losing his license. If either of these alternative explanations turn out to be true, it would be harder to stay mad at the slow driver, even though it would continue to be frustrating to be stuck behind him.
Go With The Program
You will dramatically improve your chances of making progress with an anger management program if you get yourself into a professionally designed and led anger management program. Professionally designed and led anger management programs shield you from having to think about how to design your own program and let you instead focus on the hard work of changing your behaviour, They also provide you with group support from peers and from the program leader which can help you sustain the motivation to continue when the going gets rough. Support can be technical or emotional. You can receive support yourself, and give it to others as well when you are in a group program. Sometimes helping someone else to succeed can provide you with the motivation you need to succeed yourself.
If you can't locate a program or know that you're just not a joiner and won't do well in a formal program, you should still do as much as you can to surround yourself with an already-laid out program structure to follow, and one or more people who can help support you in your efforts. Simply put, having social support and structure for your anger management efforts helps you to succeed.

It is a good idea for you to develop a list of personal reasons why you want to stay calm and cool in certain situations, and to read over these reasons frequently so that they stay fixed and clear in your mind. The reasons you generate should be informed by the realistic consequences that might befall you should you allow yourself to get out of control. The following example reasons might serve to get you started: ▪ I need to stay calm so I will not lose my job. ▪ I need to stay calm so my children can learn that it is not good to act violently. ▪ I need to stay cool so I do not end up in the hospital or in jail. ▪ I need to stay calm so that my spouse will not divorce me. ▪ I need to stay calm so I will not break things or knock holes in the wall, either of which will take money and time to repair ▪ I need to stay calm so I will not alienate a close friend.

People who have difficulty being assertive often also have difficulty making requests. Angry people can be particularly bad at making effective requests. Because they feel entitled to being treated in a particular way they may never make requests in the first place, instead assuming that others around them should know what to do and how and when to do it. When angry people do make requests, they may make them in the form of demands, which provoke angry feelings in others and are not likely to be happily carried out.
An effective request should have the following qualities: ▪ Clarity. A well formed request should state clearly what it is that you want. Requests that lack clarity are difficult to meet and can provoke stress, frustration, and anger. This is especially true when requests are interpreted as demands. An effective request needs to be stated explicitly, and must provide clear answers to three questions: ▪ Who? – To whom is the request being made? ▪ What? – What must be done to fulfill the request? ▪ When? – When should it be done? ▪ Respectfulness. A well formed request should be respectful. The reason for this is simple: If people feel respected, they are more likely to want to comply, and you are more likely to get what you want. Respectful requests begin with phrases such as: ▪ "Would you be as kind as to…" ▪ "If it is not too much trouble, could you…" ▪ "I would very much appreciate it if you would …" ▪ Emotional Transparency. Consider the following angry request ▪ "You insensitive bastard! You stupid forgetful idiot! What's wrong with you?! Why did you forget the milk I asked for?!" How does it feel to read that request? Probably, you feel just a little defensive while reading that request, which is less a request and more of an accusation or demand. Such an angry, judgmental request is unlikely to get a sympathetic audience. The example request (above) fails in part because it lacks in emotional transparency. To be emotionally transparent is to be willing to share real feelings. The speaker in the example request doesn't share feelings at all – he or she simply makes accusations. If we try to put ourselves into the speaker's state of mind, however, we can guess at what his or her real feelings are. The speaker probably feels neglected or forgotten, and hurt. Requests that are emotionally transparent – that share with the listener the true reasons for the request - are more likely to motivate the listener to act than accusatory requests. Consider this variation on the example request, rephrased so that it is more emotionally transparent. "I feel like you don't care about me when you forget to purchase the milk. Please remember me next time!" Making the fact that your feelings have been hurt clear in your request does two good things. First, it makes your motivation for making your request clear, and second, it doesn't put your listener on the defensive. Requests that are emotionally transparent, clear, and respectful in tone are most likely to be taken to heart.
An Assertive Request Formula
Crafting clear, respectful and transparent requests doesn't have to be difficult. Try filling in this simple formula to get started:
"I feel ....... when you ........... Because ........................"
Be sure that you only discuss how you feel about yourself when you fill in the "I feel" part of the formula. If you say:
"I feel that you are a jerk!"
The formula won't work, because you have created an aggressive and attacking statement that is not at all transparent, and which says nothing explicit about what you are feeling. If you instead talk about how you feel about yourself, you'll get better results because you won't be on the attack. For example,
"I feel like you don’t care about me when you don’t call to let me know that you are going to be late because I end up worried and upset and I feel abandoned."

Commit With a Contract

It is a very good idea to draw up a written contract detailing the things you agree to practice in the course of your anger management program. Signing such a contract is a way of providing yourself structure and support, both important for your success. Print out your contract on paper and sign it with ink. Get one or more people who want to support your anger management progress to co-sign as witnesses. You may even consider posting the contract in a public place so that people you interact with on a regular basis become aware of your commitment. Going public with your contract and intention to change will strengthen your commitment.
The details of the contract - exactly what you write into it - are important. You want to be very specific in describing: ▪ Your goals for the program ▪ What you agree to do in the service of those goals ▪ How and when you will practice those things you've agreed to do.
Be specific! Do not write down obvious generalities, such as "I intend to stop overreacting." as your program goal. Vague goals like that are impossible to measure and leave you too much wiggle-room to compel real change. Instead of vague goals, describe specific situations that are upsetting to you, and the specific behavioural techniques you will practice and use when confronted with those situations. We've already covered many of the techniques useful for controlling your anger, but they bear repeating just the same. Repetition helps with understanding.

Take a time-out
Agree that you will take a temporary break when confronted with angering situations, whenever this is possible to do. Taking the opportunity to step away from an angering situation will give you space and time you need to calm and gather yourself, and to evaluate the situation from a more rational, cool-minded perspective. Return to the situation when you're done with your time-out.
As an illustration, when a fight breaks out between you and your spouse or partner, agree to take a temporary break from the fight to allow both of you to cool down. You already know that if you let the fight progress, it will get increasingly out of control. Taking a few minutes to step away, calm down, and think critically about the issue you're fighting about can put you into a better frame of mind to deal with the issue at hand.
Similarly, if you are habitually overwhelmed by family demands upon returning home from work, agree that you will provide yourself with private decompression time after work but before you return home. Note that having a drink is not a healthy way to decompress! Drinking alcohol will only make your situation worse. Instead, go to the gym and work out. Take a yoga class. Simply sit in your car for 10 minutes and read that magazine or book you've been interested in. Do something to provide yourself with a little buffer zone so that when you do return home to your family you can appreciate what is good there and not be cranky or hostile. Often, a few minutes of alone-time or time-out can help you to better handle the situation when you do arrive at home.

Relax
Agree that you will practice relaxation exercises on a regular basis.
Since learning to control your anger often means learning to react less violently during stressful situations, it will be beneficial for you to become skilful at relaxing yourself. Relaxation techniques) are an effective means of calming yourself down. When practiced daily, relaxation techniques become a proactive means of reducing your general overall arousal.
Examine Your Angry Thoughts
As we described previously, the first thoughts that come into your mind when you are angry are likely to be impressionistic and judgmental and to be based on incomplete information. If you simply react to these incomplete impressions, you will end up attacking the people you are upset with, and this may not be the smart or right thing to do. Instead of just 'going off', agree that you will carefully and critically examine and evaluate each circumstance that provokes your anger. The best time to do this is during the time-out that you should take before your anger gets out of control.
Learn to recognize the types of situations that trigger you, and the types of characteristic angry thoughts that tend to occur to you when you are faced with those triggers. Take time out to decide whether or not reacting in anger will be your best choice. Retrain yourself to think logically and critically about provocative situations that would otherwise be guided by your automatic emotional reactions.

Speak Assertively
Agree that you will spend some time each day practicing assertive communication skills. Read a book about assertive communication. Write down the aggressive things you'd like to say to people who piss you off, and then re-write them in more assertive ways. Practice speaking the more assertive statements out loud in front of the mirror, or with a partner. Practicing these statements in advance of angering situations will make them easier to use when you are confronted with the real thing.
Along side of practicing your assertion skills you might also benefit from practicing listening skills. Becoming a skilful active listener will improve your communication abilities, thereby expanding your options for getting what you want from other people.
Make It Short
The duration of your anger management contract is important. Specifically, any contract you draw up should only cover a short span of time – one to several days at a time is a good sized duration. Many people start out with a twenty-four hour contract and continue to make new commitments as they reach the end of the previous ones. Holding yourself accountable over shorter periods of time will allow you to adapt your contract as you learn to put anger management techniques into practice. Shorter contract terms also help you to feel successful. You can reward yourself upon successful completion a short contract, feel good about that, and then create a new contract Contrast this with a long contract where you don't get rewarded for weeks! Shorter contract terms and frequent small rewards for success make for the best, most effective contracts.
Whether you decide to go day by day or for longer periods, you and your witness should both sign the dated contract and you should keep a copy of your contract with you or posted in a public place so it serves as a reminder of your commitment.
Let Your Friends Help You Reality Test
Your partners, friends, and trusted associates can often recognize when you are getting angry better than you can, so it is a good idea to include them in your anger plan, if possible. Agree on a signal that friends can give you when they see you start sliding into old aggressive patterns. Once you receive the signal, you will know you need to change your behaviour to avoid escalating your anger. You may want to take a time-out or agree to postpone your argument until you can speak about it from a more calm and rational place.

Reward Yourself
Write rewards for yourself into your anger contract. You should have a reward each time you successfully do the things you said you'd do during each short contract. The reward you choose should be simple and reasonably healthy—something you won't mind going without if you have a setback in working your program, but nevertheless something you want, are willing to work for and can feel good about enjoying when you succeed. For example, you might reward yourself with a small portion of your favourite food, or a small donation to your favourite charity. Small, frequent rewards are more useful than infrequent, larger rewards.
Anger Plan
Anger ratings help you to become conscious of your anger, but they won't help you stop being angry. In order to defuse your anger before it gets out of control, you'll want to develop an anger plan listing out things you can do to calm yourself down. For example, part of your plan might be to take a 'time-out' when you start getting upset; to temporarily remove yourself from the situation that is provoking you so as to provide yourself with a space in which to calm down. Another way to defuse anger might be to move the conversation away from what is bothering you and towards a more neutral topic. There are lots of things you can do to defuse an angry situation once you start thinking about it. The best of them help you to effectively keep yourself calm without damaging your pride. As each person has unique strengths and weaknesses, each person's list of strategies for defusing anger will be slightly different.
Anger Diary
Rage rating help you understand just how angry you feel in certain situations, but they don't do much for predicting what situations are likely to set you off in the first place. "Prevention is the best medicine" as the saying goes. Being able to predict what situations will provoke you will be a tremendous aid in helping you keep your temper under control. You can choose to avoid provoking situations entirely, or, if that is not possible, you can prepare yourself with ways to minimize the danger of your losing control prior to entering your dangerous situations.
An anger diary or journal can be a useful tool to help you track your experiences with anger. Make daily entries into your diary that document the situations you encounter that provoked you. In order to make the diary most useful, there are particular types of information you'll want to record for each provoking event: ▪ What happened that gave you pain or made you feel stressed? ▪ What was provocative about the situation? ▪ What thoughts were going through your mind? ▪ On a scale of 0-100 how angry did you feel? (Rage Rating) ▪ What was the effect of your behavior on you, on others? ▪ Were you already nervous, tense, and pressured about something else? If so, what? ▪ How did your body respond? Did you notice your heart racing, your palms sweating? ▪ Did your head hurt? ▪ Did you want to flee from the pressure or perhaps throw something? ▪ Did you feel like screaming or did you notice that you were slamming doors or becoming sarcastic? ▪ What did you actually do? ▪ How did you feel immediately after the episode? ▪ Did you feel differently later in the day or the next day? ▪ What were the consequences of the incident?
After recording this information for a week or so, review your diary and look for reoccurring themes or "triggers" that make you mad. Triggers often fall into one of several categories, including: ▪ Other people doing or not doing what you expect them to do ▪ Situational events that get in your way, such as traffic jams, computer problems, ringing telephones, etc. ▪ People taking advantage of you ▪ Being angry and disappointed in yourself ▪ A combination of any of the above
You'll also want to look for anger-triggering thoughts that reoccur again and again. You can recognize these particular thoughts because they will generally involve one or more of the following themes: ▪ The perception that you have been victimized or harmed. ▪ The belief that the person who provoked you meant you deliberately harm. ▪ The belief that the OTHER person was wrong, that they should have behaved differently, that they were evil or stupid to harm you.
Use your anger diary to identify instances when you felt harm was done to you, why you thought the act was done deliberately, and why you thought that it was wrong. Tracking your thought patterns will help you begin to see the common themes in your experiences. Here are some examples of trigger thoughts to get you started: ▪ People do not pay enough attention to your needs; they do not care about you. ▪ People demand/expect too much of you. ▪ People are rude or inconsiderate. ▪ People take advantage or use you. ▪ People are selfish; they think only of themselves. ▪ People criticize, shame, or disrespect you. ▪ People are cruel or mean. ▪ People are incompetent or stupid. ▪ People are thoughtless and irresponsible. ▪ People do not help you. ▪ People are lazy and refuse to do their share. ▪ People try to control or manipulate you. ▪ People cause you to have to wait.
And here is a list of situations where these themes are likely to occur: ▪ When stating a difference of opinion ▪ While receiving and expressing negative feelings ▪ While dealing with someone who refuses to cooperate ▪ While speaking about something that annoys you ▪ While protesting a rip-off ▪ When saying "No" ▪ While responding to undeserved criticism ▪ When asking for cooperation ▪ While proposing an idea
At the base of all trigger thoughts is the notion that people are not behaving properly and that you have every right to be angry with them. Most people find a few thoughts that frequently trigger their anger. Look for instances of situations that trigger your anger and see if you can't identify the particular set of triggering thoughts that really do it for you.
The purpose of your diary is to help you identify patterns of behaviour and specific recurring elements that really "push your buttons". The more accurately you can observe your feelings and behaviours and the more detailed your anger diary, the more likely you will be able to identify anger triggers and how you react to them. Understanding the ways in which you experience anger can help you plan strategies to cope with your emotions in more productive ways.
Deactivating Your Triggers
Once you have identified some of your triggers and have begun to understand your trigger themes, you will be able to be work more constructively to control your response to those triggers. Anger-triggering thoughts occur automatically and almost instantaneously, so it will take some conscious work on your part to identify them and to substitute something more to your liking.
For example, imagine you have just been cut off while driving on the freeway. Take notice of the physiological anger signs that tell you you're upset. Take a deep breath, and try to look at the situation rationally instead of going with your first impulse to attack. Instead of automatically assuming the driver that cut you off did it deliberately, consider the possibility that the other guy did not see you. If you can consider that the provoking action was not aimed at you personally or was a mistake, it will be easier for you to tolerate.
When you feel justified in your anger, you are giving yourself permission to feel angry, whether or not it makes sense for you to feel that way. The faster you stop justifying your anger, the sooner it will begin to recede. While all anger you feel is legitimate in that it is the reality of how you feel at a particular time, this does not mean that you’re choosing to act on your anger feelings is always justified. Remember that being angry is quite bad for your health, and destructive towards your important relationships with others.

As a social emotion, anger is experienced through communication. Angry people tend to have distinct communication postures that they habitually take up when communicating with others. Psychologists have described four of these communication postures, each possessing its own motto: ▪ The Aggressive communications posture says: "I count but you don't count."

▪ The Passive communications posture says: "I don't count."

▪ The Passive-Aggressive communications posture says: "I count. You don't count but I'm not going to tell you about it."

▪ The Assertive communications posture says: "I count and you do too."
As you might guess, angry people tend to use the Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive postures a whole lot. Aggressive communicators are more likely to start an argument than they are to get the results they want achieved, however. Being passive in your communications is also a mistake, as it communicates weakness and tends to invite further aggression. The Assertive communications posture is the most useful and balanced of all the postures as it is the only posture that communicates respect for all parties. Communicating assertively is the most likely way to ensure that everyone involved gets their needs taken care of. Learning how to become assertive rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive is an important step in discovering how to communicate appropriately with others.
People who are habitually aggressive tend to fundamentally misunderstand what it means to be assertive. Specifically, they tend confuse assertiveness with aggression, and think they already are acting assertively. This is frequently a mistaken impression however. Both aggressive and assertive communications postures can involve fierce and persuasive communication. They are fundamentally different things, however, in that aggressive communication tends to go on the offense while assertive communication uses anger and fierceness only in defence. Assertive people stand up for themselves and their rights and do not take crap from others. However, they manage to do this without crossing the line into aggressiveness; they do not attack the person they are communicating with unnecessarily. Assertiveness is "anger in self-defence" whereas aggressiveness is "anger because I feel like it".