Running head: MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 1

Defining and Training Marital Intimacy Skills

Liberty University

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 2
Abstract
God created human beings to have intimacy. From the beginning He said it is no good for man to be alone. (Genesis 2:18, NIV) As amazing as this may seem, even though Adam had a close and intimate relationship with God, God knew that Adam needed other types of intimacy; the kind of intimacy another human being can only offer. Not saying that God is not enough or sufficient to fill and satisfy any heart, but God has placed within our hearts the need of intimacy with other human beings. This report will focused on four aspects of intimacy, which include emotional, spiritual, intellectual and sexual intimacy. The report will define each area of intimacy, give examples and practical advice on how to train marital intimacy skills. It is designed to help couples understand the basic needs of their spouse and the different ways they may contribute to their partner’s fulfillment and satisfaction in marriage.

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Defining and Training Marital Intimacy Skills Emotional intimacy refers to the emotional closeness two people are able to feel or develop over certain time period. It is the place where a couple is able to share and be transparent about their feelings and emotions. Sadly many couples do not experience this type of intimacy, this lack of intimacy is clearly seen our society today. The Americans for Divorce Reform estimates that “It is estimated that 40% of all marriages have ended in divorce as of 2008” (Wikipedia, 2011) But what can we do to change this? What can we do to experience emotional intimacy with the people we love the most, especially our spouse? First of all, we need to understand the basic emotional needs of our spouse, which are different between men and women. According to an investigation Dr. Rosberg (2003) and his wife realized there are five main emotional needs a couple needs in order to feel loved. The five main emotional needs for a man include: Unconditional love and acceptance, sexual intimacy, friendship, encouragement and recognition and spiritual intimacy, all listed in priority order (Roserberg, 2003. P.23). The five emotional needs for woman, also listed in priority order are: Unconditional love and acceptance, emotional acceptance and communication, spiritual intimacy, encouragement and recognition, and friendship (Roserberg, 2003. P.23) What Dr. Rosberg and his wife suggest is that in order for the couple to feel loved and appreciated one must meet the spouse’s emotional or love needs as they called them. (Rosenberg, 2003.p.19) The number one emotional need for both men and woman is unconditional love and acceptance. It might surprise some to read that a man’s number one emotional need is love and acceptance and not sexual relationships. But it is strongly suggested that everybody wants to feel loved and

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 4 accepted (Clinton and Sibcy, 2006. p.7). As mentioned before God has placed within each human being a desire to be intimate and in order to be intimate with another person one must feel he is being accepted for who that person is. In other words, every human being wants to have someone that will truly accept and love them with all of their faults and virtues. Sexual intimacy was the second main way a man will feel emotional intimate, and not surprisingly it was not in the woman’s top five priorities. That is not to say that sexual relationship is not an important channel of emotional intimacy for woman. This topic will be discussed in depth further in the report. The third main channel of emotional intimacy for a man was friendship which was the last item listed in the women’s priority list. According to the dictionary friendship is defined as: the state of being a friend; association as friends; to value a person’s friendship; a friendly relation or intimacy. Friendly, feeling or disposition; companionship (Dictionary, 2011) No wonder God said: “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18, NIV) Having your spouse as a friend means that you will have someone to count on all the time, someone that will be there to listen to you, to encourage, council and rebuke you, when necessary; someone who will sincerely rejoice with you in times of happiness and someone who will feel your sorrow in times of sadness. Friends will connect heart to heart in every situation, and this is what it means to be your spouse’s friend. Fourth in the list of emotional needs for both men and women is encouragement and recognition. Encouragement like the motor that keeps one going and recognition is to acknowledge one is arriving or has arrived to his or her goal. It is like the sweaty runner who with crapping legs is motivated by the commitment he has with his family to reach his goal. When he thinks he’ll never make it he takes a look at the side and he will notice his wife’s smile, his daughter’s hand wave, and his
MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 5 son’s look of pride. All of the sudden, the cramping in his legs begins to diminish; the fatigue becomes strength and the only thing in his mind to reach the goal. This is what happens when a wife encourages her husband to keep on going, he will gather strength from his wife’s confidence and encouragement to accomplish his everyday tasks. Encouragement is a powerful tool in a spouse’s hand. Both husbands and wives need to have cheerleaders on the side, not just to chant a song, but to motivate the other to do their best, and when they are trying their best to reaffirm them. Spiritual intimacy was the third main emotional need for woman, it was however the fifth for man. Spiritual intimacy is to know that there is a world beyond the physical world that you see in your spouse. Spiritual intimacy means to recognize that your spouse is a spirit that God has placed beside you to make your spirit grow and to give you an opportunity to meet Him daily. Spiritual intimacy means that one is going to take responsibility for his or her spiritual life and also be accountable for their spiritual responsibilities he has with the people around him. Why is it that it is the women’s third main emotional need versus the fifth in the men’s list? Because a woman desires to feel protected, guided, and in a way governed. A Christian woman desires to have a husband who relies in a God, and is going to mature in his walk with Him; a man who will make a daily effort to live according to the Bible in all the areas of his life. A very important emotional need a woman has is emotional intimacy and communication, which was listed as number two in her list. “For a woman, intimacy comes when her point of view is validated, heard, and understood. This will connect her with the deepest part of her soul” (Rosernberg, 2003. P.174) In order for a woman to feel this type of emotional intimacy, she needs to have her husband’s undivided attention; for a moment she needs to feel that she is the most important person of all, and that she is worth more all the money in the world.

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 6 If a woman does not feel heard and appreciated, she will isolate herself, not respond to sexual advances from her husband and probably search emotional satisfaction elsewhere. Having defined each emotional or love need, it will be discussed practical ways emotional intimacy can be practiced between a couple. For example, unconditional love and acceptance is something we can practice very often. When our spouse does something we are do not agree with, we can let them know that even though we do not agree with their decision, we still love them and make them feel accepted. We can show unconditional love by forgiving any sin against us or just by being there during a failure. Friendship is another emotional need both spouses need between them. We can demonstrate friendship to our spouse by holding them when they cry, comforting them when they feel sad, confronting them when we believe something is not in accord with God’ s will, or just by having fun. Encouragement was another item in the list of emotional need for men and women. We can encourage our spouse by telling them we believe in them, and we believe they can accomplish anything they set their mind to. We can also give encouragement by cutting all distractions around us and giving our spouse our undivided attention. (Rosenberg, 2003. p.205) Gary Chapman (1996) the author of “The five languages of love” has some good insight about how to connect emotionally others. He writes in his book that there are five main languages of love and that if we find out our spouse’s language of love and practice it, our spouse will most likely have a satisfying emotional life. The five languages of love include quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. (Chapman, 1996. p.19). Chapman also suggests that practicing the love languages takes

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 7 effort and discipline, and that one has to be intentional, decisive, and be willing to learn to genuinely love the other. (Chapman, 1996. p.31)
Sexual intimacy Sexual relationship is the ultimate human experience created by God to have intimacy and physical connection, and it was originally designed to be practiced only between a man and woman. Having this in mind, it is good to mention that it is possible to have sex without having any emotional connection, “but if sex is practiced in this manner it will leave a sense of emptiness and guilt” (The intimate couple, 2011). God’s original design was for a man and a woman to experience sexual and emotional intimacy by this act. It is also important to mention that nobody has to teach a human being to have sex or make love; even people in the most remote areas know how to perform this beautiful art. This proves that God has placed within the human being the desire to be sexually intimate and the intuition to satisfy that desire. It was also the first commandment given by God to Adam and Eve: “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it” (Gen. 1:28, NIV). “Therefore lovemaking and procreation were ordained and enjoyed while the man and woman continued their original state of innocence” (LaHaye, 1998. p.19). More than just sex, God want it us to totally connect with our spouse, and have a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction and sexual intimacy within the context of marriage can bring just that. As we have mentioned before knowledge is the base to understand and any issue. It is important for a couple planning to get married to discuss this topic; what they think, what they been through, their principles and values about sex, and the way they plan to build their sex life. It is also essential for the couple to understand the topic of sexual intimacy by

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 8 reading books, going to seminars, and/or going through pre-marital counseling or simply communicating. Once the couple is married and has the license to practice their lovemaking skills, it is important to remember (and assume) that sex is something new for the couple, and just like anything it takes practice to perfect this wonderful skill. Communication is the key to success in any area of life. A couple needs to talk about their desires, needs, fears, and frustrations. If one lets their spouse know their needs and desires and how the other might satisfy them, it is more like that the couple will both be satisfied and experience sexual intimacy. Showing care and respect for your spouse is another way to work on sexual intimacy. “Caring for your partner means providing them with the sexual experience that pleases them, on their terms, in their way, in their time frame” (The intimate couple, 2011). Commitment is another important factor that is required to achieve sexual intimacy. Commitment to be faithful to the person one chooses to get married to and commitment to satisfy them even if at times it takes that I give up my own complete satisfaction. It is worth to mention that sexual intimacy is different between man and woman. First of all, in general men see the sexual relationship as a main way to feel close and emotional connected to their wives. Women do not need to experience sexual intimacy as the main channel of emotional intimacy. This difference and other physiological differences between men and women can cause problems in the marriage. But if an unselfish husband wants to satisfy his wife’s deep desire for love and acceptance while making love, he should take the time to ignite the passion within her. He can begin by whispering in her ear to how beautiful she is, and letting her know that she is an exceptional wife. He can take time to massage her body, touch her in specific areas of her body and kiss\ her passionately. He should have in mind that it takes longer for a woman to
MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 9 feel sexually arouse and experience an orgasm, so for a while he might want to forget a little about himself and focus on his wife. Now, it is easier for a man to reach sexual satisfaction, but a wife still needs to practice her sensual skills to connect with her husband. She might want to initiate the sexual relationship and be creative to set a romantic environment for the act. As we have been carrying out practical advice can take a couple to experience sexual intimacy and a more satisfying love life.
Spiritual intimacy is probably the most important type of intimacy there is for human beings. It starts with having a personal relationship with God; it begins with the new birth. After a person has given his or her life to Christ that person has to mature and grow in Christ in order for that person to begin to bear spiritual fruit and share his spiritual gifts. The new birth experience is fundamental for a couple to experience spiritual intimacy with each other, for without it the there is no genuinely spiritual connection. If a man is serious about growing in his relationship with Christ he will be serious about growing spiritually as a couple. A man needs to understand that before God he is consider the spiritual leader of his family; he needs to spiritually protect, nourish, and sustain his family. Spiritual intimacy in the context of marriage means to grow together, to forgive and redeem each other sins, and to go through spiritual valleys and mountains side by side, it also means that you basically share the same beliefs. “Many couples find it rather awkward to develop, because it is really a tri-intimacy: closeness among three: husband, wife, and God” (The intimate couple, 2011).
There are many practical ways in which couples are able to achieve spiritual intimacy. Again, the clue is knowledge, to know your spouse’s spiritual needs and how to supply for them.
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A husband needs to provide security for his wife, knowing that a if a husband prays and studies the Word of God, he has a huge impact in the confidence the wife has in him. As mentioned before spiritual growth is the base for a healthy spiritual relationship between husband and wife. If a man surrounds himself with God fearing friends, it will contribute positively to their relationship. Praying with his wife and for his wife is another important factor that adds intimacy not only spiritually but also emotionally and at times sexually. A man should positively contribute to his wife’s spiritual growth; to accomplish this he has to love his wife as the Christ loves his church. (Ephesians 5:25, NIV)
Woman can and should also contribute to the spiritual intimacy of the couple. She can learn to talk to her husband about her spiritual walk and experiences with God. She can make an effort to understand that her husbands spiritual responsibility before God and society is a strong burden, therefore he should receive all the spiritual help she can give him; understand that he is vulnerable and tempted probably many times during a work day outside the home. A woman can definitely make a positive impact by praying for her husband privately and/or out loud making even when he is listening. If a couple realizes everything they do depend on God and practices good spiritual habits privately and as a couple as a consequence all areas of their married life will flourish with abundant life. Intellectual intimacy is another important factor in a marital relationship. Intellectual intimacy refers to the level of communication a couple shares. It does not means that mean the husband and wife are going to think the same, in the contrary it means that they both having their unique personal ideas and they have the freedom and confidence to share their ideas with each

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 11 other. It means that a husband can learn from his wife and vice versa, it means that one is willing to listen, understand and value the other person’s ideas or information. However, intellectual intimacy also involves having the same moral values and principles. In many cases it means that probably the husband and wife were raised under the same family structure or as they were growing up they came to the same idealistic conclusion about core values and life. Intellectual intimacy also refers to commitment and trust; “when commitment is present in a relationship, then both husband and wife fully know (mentally) that their spouse is loyal and can be fully trusted” (Intimate couples, 2011). In this level of intellectual intimacy no matter where the other person may be or what he confronts be there is a level of confidence, to know that that person will make the best decisions for themselves and the family. Intellectual intimacy might be the most overlooked type of intimacy, but it is the one the most important attributes couples have used to feel close and identified with each other. Intellectual intimacy can also be train following some practical advice. The simplest way to create intellectual intimacy is simply by talking. When two people talk they are able get to know each other better, they share ideas and information and anything they say can reveal a great deal about whom they are, how they think, and why they think the way they do. Intellectual intimacy can also be developed by learning how to genuinely listen to one another; asking questions during a conversation is an indicator that the other person is listening in interested. It is important to intentionally set a time to talk to your spouse, to choose the right environment free from distraction and choose a topic that will be interesting for both. Ask your spouse about his childhood, about his parents, siblings, and ways to improve your marriage. Ask about their

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Defining and Training Marital Intimacy Skills emotions in different experiences, failure at work, temptations, friends, church, etc. Make plans for the future and dream together. It is especially important to mention that women tend to speak a lot and very often and men don’t speak at all! (A gender joke). But, as women we can encourage our husbands to communicate the best they can with us, and not to ridicule them when they are trying their best. Sometimes we might think their topics are anti-romantic or insensible, but that specific topic might be of importance or interest to them, it is then we can use an opportunity to open the channels of communication by making an effort to show some interest in their topic, even if we are not interested at all. Men should also show interest in his wife’s topic, even if he knows nothing about it or it seems corny or too girly for him. This is not about being hypocrite; this is about being unselfish and demonstrating acceptance, knowing that at the end we are going to benefit from this. As we have seen there are many types of intimacy in marriage and there many ways to create it. There is emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, sexual intimacy and intellectual intimacy. Even though all of these items interlock, they are all individual areas of our lives that need to be taken care of. Spiritual intimacy is our fundament, and if we realize we are a spirit bagged in a physical body, we will see our spiritual intimacy with God as a need that if we do not take care of, we’ll die, and perhaps we, will. As a result of having an intimate relationship with God, we will desire to have a fulfilling spiritual relationship with our mate, and when we experience a more intimate spiritual relationship we will progress in all the other areas of our life. Emotional intimacy is another important issue we discussed; it can be experience in many

MARITAL INTIMACY SKILLS 13 ways and is different for men and women. Women experience emotional intimacy more through love and acceptance, which can include being heard, validated, understood and receive undivided attention. For man emotional intimacy is perceived in a different manner; for instance the second main channel for emotional intimacy for a man is sexual relationship. For a husband lovemaking is the way he feels validated and loved; if he is corresponded he will feel desired and honored. Friendship is another way men and women feel emotional intimacy, even though it falls in different priority levels. In friendship one desires for someone to be there in happiness and in sorrow, to share different experiences of life and just to have fun. Encouragement is a great part for a man to feel emotional intimate; when a wife takes the time to encourage her husband and lets him know she believes in him, which makes him feel motivated and emotionally connected to her. Spiritually intimacy allows an opportunity for couple to feel connected and emotionally intimate; when a husband takes the responsibility of being the spiritual leader of his wife and children that will attract the wife to emotional intimacy to her husband. Intellectual intimacy is very important for a relation to grow. In intellectual intimacy the couple is able to share ideas, values and principles with liberty and confidence. This aspect of intimacy is easier to handle for a woman, but when it comes to the husband the wife can easily help him develop in this area. In conclusion, various aspects of intimacy have been defined in order to create a deeper understanding of the need of intimacy and the practical manner in which this skills can be achieve.

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References

Chapman, G. (1995). The five love languages. Chicago, IL: Northfield Publishing.

Clinton, T. & Sibcy, G. (2006) Why you do the things you do. Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson

Dictionary.com (2011) Friendship

Gordon J. & Gordon J. (2011) Sexual and intellectual intimacy. Theintimatecouple.com

LaHaye, T. & B. (1998). The act of marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan Publishing

The Holly Bible, NIV. (1992)

Rosberg, G. & B. (2000). The 5 love needs of men and women. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale

Wikipedia.com (2011) Divorce