PMS? Do More!
How was your first PMS experience? Was it heart-warming or traumatic? Did you have fun with it or wished it never happened? Are you ready to experience it? Let me tell you – my first experience was terrifying but because it happened I have to learn from it and I can only wish that my own daughter will never experience it.
Fellow toastmasters and guests, good evening! Yes, my first PMS experience was traumatic and wet. Uhh, uhhh before your imagination jumps-off this building, let me clear your thoughts of what am I referring to as PMS. It’s my first experience of my dear Papa and Mama Squabble. I was still a little child, well, smaller and sexier than I am today, 6 years old to be exact, when I had witnessed them fought. I was right in front of them, when my mama gripped a bolo, used it to draw a line on the floor and furiously said to my father, “Don’t you dare cross this line or else I’ll kill you!”. Then, a deafening silence enveloped our home. I got so scared that I didn’t notice I wet my pants already. That was worst!
We all know that getting into it with our spouse or partner is inevitable, and when you have kids, there’s a strong chance they’ll witness the arguing. So, what do we do?
Dr. Judith Sherven, a psychologist and an expert in conflict resolution, author of the book Discovering the Magic at the Heart of your Differences, said that it’s wise and understandable that parents worry about fighting in front of their children, yet disagreements and hurt feelings are a natural part of human relationships, especially in marriage and even more so when children are added to the mix. When children see their parents argue they learn that disagreements, differences, and emotional upsets are part of normal human behavior – as are hurt feelings and the ability to expand one’s respect for the differences between two people. The most important step parents can take once their disagreement or fight has surfaced is to move as quickly as possible into the “curiosity stage” of healthy conflict resolution. How?
MORE. – move, open, recognize, expand.
•Move. from blowing up/exploding —> blaming —> conscious awareness that includes both positions. We have to allow ourselves to take a plunge and be free rather than keep our true emotions. I’m pretty sure we’ve gone through this experience when we try to hold our emotions and the tension is build up in our consciousness. The next time we check, we explode. Going through the process of moving on, allows us to be ready of the next step.
•Opening up. This is the stage when we listen sincerely to the other person’s point of view without trying to make them wrong or win the point. Geroge Carlin once said, ”I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it”. Stop playing the “silent king” and “snub queen”. Talk. If you want to shout, then shout but please do it in the right place. When we open ourselves to people, we gain knowledge for we knew something new, and when we gain knowledge, we understand. And when we understand, we’re now ready to jump to the third step. Recognize.
•Recognize that both have hurt feelings and legitimate positions. Recognize that we are not perfect, we are bound to make mistakes but we are also capable of redeeming ourselves, of improving our ways. Let us learn to accept failures and be sorry for it. When I had my first PMS experienced, I was petrified yet at peace because I saw my parents reconciled earlier than I hoped for. My father is a persistent “sorry” husband. He never stopped saying sorry to my mother til my mother accepted it. When we’re ready to accept and recognize our failures, we are expanding.
Yes Expand, the final step.. expand into compassion and/or sympathy of each other’s pain– so we see both sides of the argument and can remember how much we care about each other. The next time you fight, you can’t let the day pass without reconciling.
Every time I picked a fight with my husband especially when it started in the office, I tried to hold my emotions and wait when we’re inside the car. There, we explode, blame each other, then shout then take those prolonged breathing process. After that, we just laugh and say sorry. Unconsciously, we’re resolving issues the MORE way.