Richard Leinicke
Instructor Kelly
English 105
8 February 2012

Being a Single Father in America

What does it mean to be a single father in this country? At the time that my wife and I separated, I had no clue to the challenges that lay ahead. I had never given it much thought because like every married guy out there, I was never going to be without a partner to help me raise my kids. But I knew, that given my situation , I could not let them stay with their moth-er. And before you roll your eyes and say “yea, right”, I will just say that when it was all said and done and had gone before a judge, he too agreed with my opinion and awarded me full cus-tody of our two young boys. But, that is where the inequities and even prejudices started to ap-pear. My lawyer told me I could ask for child support but that I would likely get very little if nothing at all. And then if I did win a small amount that collecting it would be even tougher. I did not make a lot of money but it was more than she made. This way of thinking is so foreign to a man because we usually think of custody and all that goes with it being in favor of the wom-an. Most men, I was soon to discover, automatically just gave the kids to their wives and asked how much do I have to pay? I saw that this was not just a cliché but something that occurred with great regularity. They were usually told by their own lawyers that it would be a waste of time and money to fight for custody of their kids. This was because most judges did not think that fathers made very good, nurturing parents. It seemed that they were falling back on that old stereotype of the stoic, standoffish father figure. I had not given much thought into choosing my lawyer, but I felt I was lucky when I found what turned out to be a 60’s ,radical, longhaired, hippie type who kept goats in the back-yard of his Berkeley home. Money never entered my thought process until my lawyer had brought it up. After I told him my story, he suggested that I could get custody but to not expect much in the way of child support from my wife. He made it clear that very few women are treat-ed like a man when it comes to money no matter if they have a job or not. Women were not held to the same standards as men when it came to being financially responsible for their kids I be-lieve that men are not raised to ask for help, money or otherwise. So I believe that this is why you rarely hear of men receiving alimony or child support . But, because I was now divorced from my wife and we had been married for more than ten years of my career, I was going to have to give her $250 a month and half of my retirement when I left the ser-vice. Now, do not misunderstand me when I say that I had a hard time raising my sons. It was just a part of everyday life and the things that go into it. I had a good support system in the Military and was able to do things that an ordinary working person could not dream of ask-ing and expect to have a job for very long. I had heard the horror stories of single dads not in the service, being let go because they were told that they needed to much time away from their jobs to care for their kids. If a single dad takes time off to attend a school function or take his kid to the doctor or dentist, he is not going to be paid for that time away from his job. My job was stressful enough without having that concern hanging over my head . A single father does not have the support system a single mom does. There is no job training for unwed fathers. There is no “MIC” which if it did exist would stand for ( Men , infants , chil-dren) and in most states, if a woman makes more money than the man, the man gets no alimony or can expect to keep the same standard of living he was accustomed to before the divorce.

The media does its part in creating an unfair portrayal of single fathers. If it does not make them out to be blundering idiots (Two and a Half Men) or deadbeat dads who deny their paternity (The Murray Povich Show) it is busy showing only the plight of the single mother and her struggle to make it without a man. We are led to believe that when a single parent household is talked about, that house is led by a strong willed independent woman. There is no mention of a man in the same situation. I cannot tell you how many times over the course of my single life that when I met someone for the first time and the conversation turned to kids, they were astounded to learn that I was a single dad with full custody of my children. It was like they had never met a man like me before. Studies conducted as far back as 1985 show that the myths of single father-hood can and are continuing to be dispelled as the number of single fathers grow.( Custodial Fathers: Myths, Realities , and Child Support Policy) Daniel Meyer and Steven Garasky, 1991.

Because of studies like this and newer more recent articles (The Myth of the Single Fa-ther) Joy Monroe, June, 19, 2010, over the last ten years, court systems across the country are changing the way that custody and support hearings are being conducted. Social stigmas are changing and determinations by judges are being looked at ways that remove gender from the process used in determining custody. I like to think that I did a pretty fair job of raising my boys and still doing my job in the military. I never had the luxury of having my parents or other rela-tives care for my children. I was lucky enough to have a job that realized the importance of fami-ly and allowed me to do these things. Whenever I feel like I could have done better, my new wife reminds me that I could have played into that stereotype that I spoke of earlier and just left them with their mother to enjoy a life of carefree fun and games. I could have taken a new duty station in sunny Key West, Fl, and left them on the west coast with their mother and just see them when it was convenient for me and just send them money and, or presents on their birthdays or special holidays. But I did not want to be that guy. I felt that it would have made me and them lesser men. I wanted to be there for the big moments in their lives as well have the little ones that so many people talk about. I wanted to be able to talk about when they were little and I was there when they made that great catch at second base or scored that touchdown to win the game. I wanted to be with them when they would read a book and discover a new word and get the pronunciation right on the first try. I loved seeing that look on their faces when they discovered something new. Believe me when I tell you that no matter how old they get that feeling of watching them learn something never gets old. So, if you ever meet a man who is raising children by himself, do not be so quick to judge him or be amazed at the fact. He is just doing what over two and half million men in his same situation would be doing because sometimes it is the right thing to do.

Works Cited
(The Myth of the Single Father) Joy Monroe, June, 19, 2010,
Daniel Meyer and Steven Gara-sky, 1991 (Custodial Fathers: Myths, Realities, and Child Sup-port Policy)
Fathers.com An article written by Patrick Batchelder April 28, 2007

Revisions for my Essay