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Xiang Sheng

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Submitted By jennyA
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G:谢谢啊 , 送我们美丽的句话
Y:这都是了解我们的观众
G:我看这菊花上别着个哨么
Y:哨上还有两馒头呢
G:要没听过前两段的,谁知道是什么
如此可见,观众对我们是太爱了,送礼都送到——去了。
谢谢吧, 今天来这么些位,这么热的天,花这么些钱,坐这听我们瞎说 我们得对得起各位 当然今天晚上也有人没来,没来得后果自负 y:有什么后果啊 G:后果很严重啊
Y:什么后果啊
G:省不少钱
Y:嗨,就是省钱那
G:不来得我会记住你们得 别让我在街上碰见你们
Y:好家伙
G:听相声度好啊 多快乐啊
Y:正高兴
G:天底下还有比这个好玩得事?
Y:是
G: 我跟您说我都愿意坐底下听去
Y: 你
G: 我们这行为什么喜欢相声,哎呀,干别的干不了 就是因为这个,太快乐了
Y: 酷爱
G: 余老师也是,心里有什么烦心事一说相声全忘了
Y: 那倒是
G: 真的, 你看举个例子:余老师这人。五谷杂粮,人非圣贤,谁都有个生老病死 心里难过啊,不舒服,这都有可能
Y: 那倒是
G: 是不是啊,你说于老师
Y: 嗯
G: 外地演出回家,到家门口一看,哎呀,大喜事
Y: 什么事啊
G: 房塌了
Y: 房塌了算喜事
G: 万幸自个在外地,没赶回来啊
Y: 没被砸着
G: 不然非死不可 哎呀,一瞧房没了,防盗门还站着呢。
Y: 光剩一门了
G: 于老师掏钥匙
Y: 我还开什么门呢,干嘛
G: 确实塌了
Y: 这不废话么,我用这么验证么
G: 喘口气, 坐下吧
Y: 坐哪儿
G: 门口找个台阶,坐下,点根烟
Y: 抽烟呢,自己就抽了二手烟了
G:(抽烟壮)哎,我得说相声啊,烟头扔了,赶紧站起来上德云社说相声,
家里这茬忘了
Y: 我这心也太宽了吧我这,这么大事我说相声就忘了
G: 关键到后台有我们这些人劝你
Y: 哦, 你们能劝我
G: 咱们是好朋友
Y: 那倒是
G: 好哥们
Y: 朋友
G: 生活中经常这样,有人说了,可以没有亲戚,不能没有朋友
Y: 还真这样
G: 多个朋友,多条路,多个冤家,多堵墙
Y: 这都是老话
G: 什么叫朋友,这两字怎么来得
Y: 您能解释么
G: 上古得时候啊,人们那会不花钱,也没有什么铜币啊 那是后来得事情。当时呢,就拿贝壳当钱
Y: 哦,拿贝壳流通
G: 因为上古得时候,人们一般都生活在黄河流域,相见海里得贝壳不容易, 所以觉得贝壳很珍贵,就拿那个当钱来买东西
Y: 花贝壳
G: 打个眼儿,拿绳子一穿,五个贝壳穿好了,就这一串叫一季,两个季叫一朋。 家里来哥们了,这是我们得有人,咱俩得出去吃饭去,请友人吃饭抓起两串 贝壳来,这叫一朋,能担起这一朋得友人,是我得哥们,所以说这叫朋友, 听相声长知识吧
Y: 瞧,这是这出处
G: 朋友是两个月字,两个月亮都能到一起,这说明了物以类聚,兴趣相投,这是 朋友得含义,友代表得是互相帮助,互相支持,这叫友,您可记住了,朋包括 了友,友并不包括朋
Y: 哎
G: 啊这,朋友分多少种
Y: 是吗?
G: 酒肉朋友,不也是朋友吗
Y: 那也得算那
G: 对不对,吃饭喝酒有他,一沾事又都跑了,这朋友
Y: 酒肉得
G: 交朋友,不能交这样得朋友
Y: 对
G: 各种朋友,你看比如说,咱们有那叫盟友
Y: 有这么说得
G: 张三李四啊, 我跟谦哥,我们是盟友
Y: 结盟
G: 结盟,拜把子兄弟
Y: 对
G: 啊,这是谦哥,我们俩好,他是我大哥 啊, 为什么我跟他拜把子呢
Y: 为什么呢
G: 嫂子好看
Y: 什么目的啊这
G: 不是不是,嫂子大气
Y: 那也不像话呀
G: 自从见着他媳妇我就想,这个朋友我交定了
Y: 目的太不纯了
G: 这个是盟友,有一种释友
Y: 世友
G: 就是,两个人交情到一定程度了,真释得友谊
Y: 说明这个关系好
G: 哎哎,你看笔友
Y: 笔友是
G: 现在少,过去就是笔友
Y: 怎样讲
G: 于老师住北京大兴,交了一个顺义得寡妇
Y: 我就找一寡妇,还得到顺义找去
G: 天天写信,互相得,你一封我一封,两人交朋友,这个叫笔友
Y: 还不见面
G: 哎,现在网友
Y: 啊, 对,有网友
G: 交网友
Y: 对对对
G: 哎,互联网上认识得朋友
Y: 是
G: 嫂夫人没事就画得花枝招展,换个衣裳,见网友去喽
Y: 哎呀,哪那么些网友啊
G: 就说那意思,驴友
Y: 怎么说驴友
G: 背个登山包,旅游得朋友
Y: 哦,旅游结伴得
G: 哎,咱一块出去玩去
Y: 驴友
G: 这个叫驴友
Y: 对
G: 驴肉友
Y: 什么叫驴肉友
G: 好吃火烧得那一帮
Y: 没听说过,好吃火烧交什么朋友啊
G: 他们那一波
Y: 驴肉友
G: 闺友,小女孩在一起交得朋友,交闺友
Y: 哦,闺中密友
G: 哎, 闺蜜
Y: 对对
G: 闺友,基友。。。。。。。好集邮得这帮人在一块
Y: 辛亏我没问啊
G: 你没问也有你
Y: 哎 嘿嘿, 接着往下说吧
G: 跑友
Y: 哎
G: 好洗澡得
Y: 你们都快上台问了吧
G: 所以说这不一样,这个是现在说,过去说,你跟谁交朋友,这两人杵臼之交, 贫贱之交,刎颈之交,患难之交
Y: 对
G: 非常非常得多,各种说法都不一样,这个很复杂 交朋友是门学问
Y: 那是,您刚才说那些,你具体讲一讲
G: 具体讲得说到什么时候啊,举一个例子啊
Y: 举例子可以
G: 就像我刚才有一个刎颈之交
Y: 哎,我听见这词尓了
G: 刎是自刎得那个刎,颈是脖子,你可听明白,刎颈不是亲脖子,明白吧,不是说 谦哥见了王寡妇了两个回来吻脖子
Y: 没听说,说人王寡妇干嘛呀
G: 说这个意思,不是那个两人亲脖子,那个刎颈知道吗 这个说起来,这惊天动地,荡气回肠
Y: 那咱们听听
G: 这得拿个人举个例子啊,好吧,你看这玩意儿
Y: 不是
G: 你说拿个人你可别犹豫啊
Y: 不犹豫, 你就说吧说吧
G: 举个例子啊,于谦
Y: 也就是我了
G: 哎于老师,跟我得交情 刎颈之交
Y: 咱们两个人
G: 说明我俩交情太好
Y: 怎么个好法
G: 过命
Y: 怎么交过命呢
G: 得您开始说
Y: 那是
G: 于谦老师是一个了不起得人
Y: 怎么了不起
G: 有雄心壮志
Y:哦
G: 曾经说过这么一句话
Y: 怎么说
G: 大丈夫,生六尺躯,何不令其千古
Y: 什么意思
G: 就是说,老天爷生了我养了我,有我这么一大个子,我不能平平淡淡得过一辈子 千古留名
Y: 这是雄心壮志,好啊
G: 您是这个(大拇指)
Y: 真好
G: 有一个愿望
Y: 对
G: 自己要成一个万元户
Y: 我这什么千古留名啊,我成一万元户,我就至于这样
G: 你们这个一乐,我得批评你们
Y: 怎么了
G:这里面有时间限制,有时代背景,不是说今天,今天我当万元户大伙知道我没钱
不是说现在
Y: 什么时候
G: 去年
Y: 也不怎样这个
G: 反正这模糊一下时代背景吧
Y: 很多年前
G: 于谦说了,我要当一个万元户,这样得话我会非常幸福
Y: 那倒是
G: 支持理解,每个人愿望是不一样得
Y: 对
G: 对吧,他很努力,很努力,就想有一天,我从万元户,一点一点熬,我会熬成 世界上得大富商
Y: 我就这么熬
G: 世界富商十位得有我于谦
Y: 这可不小了
G: 把工作辞了
Y:干嘛呀
G: 每天在家等通知
Y: 我瞎了心了吧,我等通知能等来吗这个
G: 工作辞了,怎么还没来通知我是世界首富呢,着急啊
Y: 干着急
G: 真着急啊,天天看着家里得镜子,镜子啊镜子,我是不是世界上最厉害得人
Y: 镜子说话了
G: 镜子哗啦碎了
Y: 这好吗,镜子都快恨我了
G: 于老师于是点一根蜡烛,放在面前
Y: 干嘛呀
G: 冲自己喊,坚强
Y: 这,嗨, 给自个儿加油
G: 努力啊,哪有平白无故就成了事得人啊
Y: 对,他得努力
G: 首先充实自己
Y: 我要干嘛
G: 看书
Y: 哎,这是对得
G: 奔新华书店,一进门就看见了
Y:什么
G: 特别推荐得一套丛书
Y: 什么呀
G: 75本一套,卖三千多块钱
Y: 这么贵得书
G: 这套书叫寡妇门前是非多
Y: 寡妇门前得事就卖三千多块钱
G: 于老师口水都下来了
Y: 我看着馋啊
G:(吸气)
Y: 我又到厕所了这是
G: 三千多啊,来一套
Y: 真舍得花钱
G: 充实自己
Y: 寡妇门前是非多
G: 抱着这堆寡妇啊
Y: 这寡妇像话么
G: 这书就回家了,关上门,拉上窗帘
Y: 秘密的
G: 心咚咚跳啊
Y: 看这书
G: 撕开了包装,打开了塑料布
Y: 好好看
G: 捧着看
Y: 怎么样
G: 寡妇门前是非多
Y: 写什么事
G: 这个内容太可爱了
Y: 什么内容
G: 马铃薯得栽培
Y: 这事寡妇门前是非多吗这个
G: 网友写得, 网名叫寡妇门前是非多
Y: 网友种马铃薯得
G: 于老师眼泪都下来了
Y: 那是
G: 上了当了
Y: 白盼了
G: 你别怨人家了 是我自己
Y: 就是
G: 我这样得僵尸都不吃啊
Y: 为什么啊
G: 没脑子啊
Y: 哎嗨, 你想
G: 我这心理堵得慌啊 肚子涨了三五天,一直这样,害怕了,我得上医院查查去
Y: 检查身体
G:昨个b超,男孩女孩无所谓啊
Y: 什么男孩女孩,我怀孕了还是怎么着
G: 肚子老这么涨,万一生了也是事啊
Y: 生的下来吗这
G: 我觉得肚子涨呢,其实就是气顶这了
Y: 生了气
G: 到医院挂号, 你这做b超,喝点水去吧
Y: 是得喝水
G: 常识,憋尿啊,买了一箱矿泉水,坐医院台阶上,(咕咕咕得喝)
Y: 我还真听话
G: 一瓶一瓶得喝,这一箱全喝了
Y: 真能喝,撑着了
G: 还没到我啊,不够,水管子拧开
Y:就一个管
G: 咕咕咕得喝,嗨,回头
Y:怎么呢
G: 我干嘛喝自来水啊,医院人家给你准备茶水了
Y: 哦那有水
G: 一杯一杯,(喝水壮) 一大托盘,三十来杯(吐一口)
Y:这是
G: 像结石呢
Y: 结石,我那是水吗那个
G: 刚喝完,护士来了,那尿样呢
Y: 我说什么来着,我给人尿都喝了是吗
G: 于老师无所谓
Y:幸亏没承认
G: 有多少喝多少
Y: 别跟人吹了
G: 等着吧
Y: 那得等着
G:最里面咸那
Y: 还涩讷
G: 拉不开拴那
Y:真新鲜呢
G: 这第四杯也不知道是谁得,怎么那么甜那
Y: 行拉
G:有糖尿病
Y: 不用找大夫了
G: 不行还得喝水
Y: 还喝那
G: 自来水拧开了,钝钝钝的,为了稀释一下
Y: 甭稀释了
G: 这没人样了
Y: 肚子涨成这样了
G: 里面那喊,于谦
Y: 终于到我了
G: 进来了,那那 躺在那,做过b超都知道,躺在那啊,人家拿一个手柄式得东西 在这摁,具体得,太科学得咱说不出来,反正知道是这个意思,这个你准备 一下,肚子亮出来,一会给拿抹个那个药什么得,于老师准备躺上去,大夫拿 拿过来一回头,把裤衩穿上
Y: 光着来,我这是,我全脱拉跟在那
G:他一位都得脱着呢
Y: 没听说过
G: 穿上
Y: 这是得跟我急
G: 赶紧啊,对不起对不起,穿上了,大夫说你人怎不听话呢
Y: 怎么不听话那
G: 让你穿怎么还不穿那
Y: 穿
G: 我这丁字裤
Y: 哎 嗨 丁字裤有得有块布啊这玩意
G: 就两根绳子
Y: 嗨,好吗
G: 这把大夫气着呢
Y: 好吗,这
G: 来把,这有一手柄,得往肚子上抹点那药膏似得啊
Y: 那是
G: 大夫呀,恨着呢, 一掉个, 嘿
Y: 戳啊
G: 就这一摁啊,吱。。。。
Y: 好家伙
G: 都尿到对过墙上去了
Y: 喝太多了
G: 起来起来起来,到外边尿去
Y: 到厕所了我这是
G:啊 轰除了这是
Y: 摁
G: 大夫在扫地 拖地
Y: 这跟朋友有关系吗 不是 G: 早晚会有得
Y: 我就等这朋友呢
G: 我也等这朋友呢
Y: 哎, 好吗
G: 你看又搅和,忘了不是
Y:啊
G:他说了大丈夫有六尺躯啊
Y: 哎哎,别别别别从头说了
G: 哎哎,这就是一摁,摁尿了
Y:啊
G:吱。。。。。。。墙上都是啊
Y: 哎呀
G: 让大夫给轰出去了
Y: 那是得轰出去
G: 轰出去尿去吧,到中午,人大夫休息了
Y: 啊
G: 你下午再来啊
Y: 下午还来
G: 于尿
Y: 于尿
G: 人家不知道你叫什么呀,你下午再来啊
Y: 哎,这不能这么叫啊
G: 于老师,看看表,已经12点了
Y: 正是吃饭得时候呢
G: 上厕所撒泡尿去把
Y:哟
G:哗。。。。。 尿完了,哟,一看表,12点四十了
Y:好家伙,尿了四十多分钟这泡尿
G: 尿完了出去吃饭了是吧,
Y:摁
G: 门口找一地吃饭,
Y: 摁
G: 等着等下午,在从新来,再验这个
Y: 还得验
G: 来了还得再喝水啊,
Y:那从来啊
G:喝呗
Y: 摁
G: 就买一箱矿泉水
Y: 都靠矿泉水了
G: 咕咕咕 喝,喝完了 水管子拧开 dundundundun得
Y:这套程序
G: 啊,还在看着盘子
Y:我也是记性好
G:还没人尿呢
Y: 我就等着尿呢,是怎么得
G: 大夫说有会事,晚来会,你先出去溜一圈去把
Y:摁
G: 出来把。医院里遛弯,还没到啊
Y: 等着呗
G: 顺着后门出去,医院后面有条河,中午站河边散散心。啊,我得肚子快憋不住了
Y: 涨
G: 大夫怎么还不来啊,
Y: 顶着尿呢
G: 哟,
Y: 怎么拉
G: 有一姑娘,顺着河坡往合理走
Y: 哟
G: 水都到了膝盖了
Y: 越走越深啊
G: 这是要自杀
Y: 对呀这得赶紧救啊
G: 于老师急了,登登等等几步就跑到河边去了,解裤子就尿
Y: 尿上拉 没救人
G: 这姑娘回头看了看他,上来了
Y: 自杀都嫌脏啊人家
G: 你往那里尿,人家得呛死,你明白吗
Y: 嗨,那对,不能死再尿里啊
G: 这河边草地上,于老师和这姑娘对面而坐,姑娘看看他,你知道你是个人渣吗
Y: 死了头一句话说这个
G: 于老师乐呵,我看过一电影
Y: 叫什么
G: 人渣树之恋
Y: 没停说过,那叫山楂树之恋
G: 山楂树之恋
Y: 对乐
G: 姑娘那个好死不如赖活着啊
Y: 对呀
G: 大姑娘长这么漂亮,为什么要死呢
Y: 问问她白
G: 姑娘眼泪下来了
Y:提到伤心事了
G: 我南朋友不要我了
Y: 哟
G: 交往三年了
Y: 嗨,
G: 交往三年了,一个屋子里面生活了三年,他不要我了,他非问我是不是跟 李先生好了
Y: 哟
G: 天地良心,人家姓王啊
Y: 什么呀,这你也值得哭啊
G: 但咱说句实话,孩子事赵大哥啊
Y: 嘿,太乱了这个
G: 于老师眼泪都下来了,
Y: 我嗨哭那
G: 玉洁冰清啊
Y: 我怎么听出来得我这是
G: 头一次见我面,这实话都跟我说了
Y: 这就玉洁冰清拉
G: 真没拿我当外人啊 这就是我心目中得女神啊
Y: 我也没见过女神
G: 这就是我心目种得白天鹅啊
Y: 祸
G: 姑娘贵姓啊
Y: 性摇
G: 你好 窑姐
Y:这好吗,把实话说出来了
G: 我叫于谦,我恨喜欢你,我一直再寻找一个玉洁冰清得女孩,我像跟你交往 不管怎么说,咱们也有一尿之情是把
Y: 嗨,别提这个了
G: 姑娘说, 好吧,难得有人喜欢我,我倒是很愿意。但是我有条件
Y: 什么条件啊
G: 跟我交往搞对象,你得听我得
Y: 啊
G: 要求有车有房,父母双亡
Y: 也太缺德了吧,这个
G: 谦点点头,车房都好解决,父母这个事,给我点时间
Y: 我得嘛啊,干嘛啊,我要杀人去啊事怎么得
G: 姑娘说那我不催你,一个月够吗
Y: 这是不摧吗这个
G: 哎哎,用不着,用不着
Y: 好家伙, 时间嗨挺富裕阿
G: 凡事你不能连累我,你放心,我就说事我哥弄得
Y: 额 呵, 全家都卖出去了
G: 太好了太好了 天作之合阿
Y: 这是天作之合
G:姑娘说我现在什么都没有,我没有钱,连住得地方都没有,这好办
Y: 怎么办
G: 我现在带你上银行去,取钱存再你卡里,好吧
Y: 祸
G:领着人家女孩上银行,于谦身上带着卡,带着存折呢,跟着银行得工作人员
对面而坐,存折一摔,我得死期到啦
Y: 是,是死期到了,你说清楚了行不行
G: 我存乃死期到了
Y: 这存款得死期到了
G: 画到这个女孩得账上,画吧,画完账了,这工作人员无意中说,这个女孩真漂亮 你得女朋友恨开心
Y: 是吗
G: 你能抱我一下吗,工作人员站起来热烈拥抱你女朋友
Y: 工作人员?
G: 40分钟
Y: 他们俩
G: 于老师感动阿,大爱无疆阿
Y: 我这死期是到了,我这能开出大爱无疆来了
G: 日后,你们俩人就同居了
Y: 说同居就同距啦
G: 再一个很漂亮得小区,你住三号楼,她住四号楼
Y: 这是同居了吗这个, 那我们俩不再一个楼里
G: 不再一个楼,她住那边,你住这遍,你每天到吃饭得时候过来给他做饭
Y: 我该她呢
G: 做完饭,回去像我父母得事怎么解决呢
Y: 这是大事
G: 言而有信那
Y: 说到做到阿
G: 那是阿,一晃阿买半年就过去了,半年过去了阿, 那天晚上于老师躺床上 看电视,夜里十二点半,电视演动物世界,里面说了一句话阿,交配得季节到 了,于老师坐起来了,对呀,我事有女朋友得人阿,
Y: 我拿动物世界当毛片看来了,我这时候才想起来阿
G: 善良单纯阿
Y: 单纯半年了,半年了同居,我这时候才想起来阿
G: 半年了,我怎么才想起来阿,哎哟,这南方得主动点阿
Y: 那是阿
G: 不能让女孩瞧不起我阿
Y: 哎哟
G: 拿了钥匙,他有那女孩房间钥匙
Y: 那就是了
G: 去找你得窑姐
Y: 别提这名字了
G: 来到这, 拧开了门,一看,哈哈好。 女孩子跟一个小伙子真躺着呢,于老师愣 了,打扰了阿
Y: 别客气了
G: 这俩人冲他乐,愚人节快乐
Y: 愚人节
G: 于老师特别开心,噎
Y: 嗨跟人逗呢
G: 日子一天天得过去了
Y: 你先等会,你先等会,这事没完那,这事
G: 带上门,就回家睡觉去了
Y:我这真的回去拉
G: 事情也没完,五个月之后
Y: 怎样
G: 有一天,你和这个女孩并肩走着,你站住了,脸色不好看
Y: 怎么了
G: 谁也别拿谁当傻子,你以为我缺心眼阿,人没有真傻得
Y: 多新鲜阿
G: 那天你说,愚人节快乐
Y: 对
G: 不应该阿,我对你这么好,你怎么能骗我呢
Y: 这倒也是
G: 那天是5月二号阿,那天不是愚人节阿
Y: 你死不死阿你,五个月之后才明白过来,嗨不傻
G: 那天就不是愚人节,路边有卖西瓜得,于老师一伸手把卖西瓜得到抢过来了 拍,横在自己脖子上说,那天到底是不是愚人节
Y: 要自杀阿
G: 千钧一发,朋友来了
Y: 可等着朋友了
G: 我打着过,于谦
Y: 叫我
G: 你一回头,璞。

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