Melanie Bertrand
PSY/220
5-27-12
Adam Miller

Introduction
Our text states that “closeness, care, and commitment make up the stuff of which attachment and, as we will see, love are made.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 26). I have found that few things in life are absolute, but the previous statement is one of those few. From the very beginning of our lives, our need for human contact and closeness is glaringly obvious. Our attachment styles, be they secure, avoidant, or anxious, are formed while we are just infants. These attachment styles tie directly into how we, as adults, execute the different dimensions of love (passion, intimacy, and commitment), in our various individual love relationships.
Individual Attachment Styles
“Both nature—the infant’s inherent need to bond and belong—and nurture—parental responsiveness—contribute to attachment.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 25). Recent research has been shown to indicate that temperament has a base in genetics and that it is not all left to nurturing, as was previously believed. Personally, I am glad that science has begun to discover what I always have suspected to be true! A parent can be warm and responsive, yet their child could still grow to have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, however the opposite is true as well. I have personal experience with this, which is why I am certain of its validity.
Secure Attachment Style
Our text describes the secure attachment style in the following manner: “Infants who experience warm, responsive parents show secure attachment.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 23). This is the most prevalent of the three attachment styles, with roughly sixty percent of infants showing this particular style when placed in an unfamiliar environment. When a parent displays warmth and responds to their child, if the child is left in an unfamiliar environment without the parent, the child becomes distressed and only shows improvement when the parent returns, often running up to hug the parent.
The secure attachment style can affect the types of love relationships an individual has in an extremely positive way. Secure individuals do not worry about abandonment or becoming overly dependent on someone else. They are able to accept the faults of others with no negative feelings, and their relationships tend to be more happy and full of trust and friendship.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Our text describes the avoidant attachment style in the following manner: “Babies with cold, rejecting caregivers show avoidant attachment” (Bolt, 2004, p. 23). This is the second most common of the three attachment styles, with roughly fifteen percent of infants showing this particular style when placed in an unfamiliar environment. When a child with this attachment style faces an unfamiliar environment without their parent, they show little distress and when the parent returns, they are unresponsive, for the most part.
The avoidant attachment style can affect the types of love relationships an individual has in a negative way. As adults, they can be fearful and dismissive, and have less satisfaction in their relationships and leave them as opposed to become invested in them. In direct contrast with a secure individual, an avoidant individual is most likely to have sexual encounters that do not include love, and what relationships they do have run through the gamut of emotional highs and lows.
Anxious Attachment Style
Our text describes the anxious attachment style in the following manner: “Infants who experience inconsistent parenting show anxious attachment.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 23). This is the third most common of the three attachment styles, with roughly twenty five percent of infants showing this particular style when placed in an unfamiliar environment. These infants tend to cry and cling to their parent when left in unfamiliar surroundings, but when the parent returns, the child can be indifferent or even hostile, and it is not an easy or quick task to calm them down.
The anxious attachment style can affect the types of love relationships an individual has in an even more negative way than that of an avoidant individual. They are more distrustful, obsessed with love, possessive, and often times jealous. Emotion and anger come into play when discussing differences with their partner, misreading how their partner feels about the relationship is common, and they tend to have the least satisfaction in relationships of three attachment styles.
Dimensions of Love
According to our text, there are three different dimensions of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. The type of attachment style an individual has directly affects how successful they are at implementing these three things into their relationships. It is easier for a secure individual to do so successfully, but extremely difficult for an anxious or avoidant one.
Passion
Our text describes passion in this way -- “Passion is the motivational component of love and reflects attraction, romance, and sexual desire.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 27). Passion and intimacy (mutual disclosure of oneself) are more interrelated in a romantic love relationship than other types of love relationships. Commitment plays a huge part as well, but passion and intimacy tend to occur simultaneously in a romantic love relationship.
Intimacy
Our text describes intimacy in this way -- “Intimacy involves feelings of closeness, trust, and the sharing of one’s innermost thoughts.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 28). Intimacy is found in both romantic love relationships and in companionate love relationships. It is interrelated to the other two love dimensions because without it, there can be no passion let alone commitment. Baring your soul to someone requires a strong sense of intimacy, and without that, the relationship usually does not go beyond the “surface”.
Commitment
Our text describes commitment in this way -- “Commitment” is the decision to maintain a long term caring relationship.” (Bolt, 2004, p. 28). It is interrelated to the other two dimensions of love because an individual would not commit themselves to another individual unless they felt a strong sense of intimacy and passion for them. Commitment is hard work and requires self-sacrifice at times, which requires trust (intimacy) on each individual’s part as well the attraction to want to “stay the course” (passion).
Conclusion
Attachment styles can change, and I am living proof of that. My mother was cold and rejecting, literally—she tried to sell (no exaggeration!) my sisters and me at an extremely young age, but thankfully our grandparents prevented that from happening. My grandmother, on the other hand, was warm and responsive and did all she could to raise my sisters and I in that type of environment. How my mother (my grandmother’s daughter) could turn out to be cold and rejecting is beyond me, however because she was, I still battle with anxious and avoidant tendencies at times, but have overcome them for the most part. I am a warm and responsive mother to my children, because I chose not to be cold and rejecting. I am able to be a better mother not only because I decided to be, but also because I have people in my life who know about my past, and help me be a better mother. My marriage ended because we both were extremely avoidant and anxious (if I had only known that then!) but I have learned to be more trusting and not fear abandonment in my current relationship. It has been a long and difficult process, and it’s not done yet, but I can honestly say that I have chosen to have a more secure attachment style, and I am a much better person for it.

References
Bolt, M. (2004). Pursuing human strengths: A positive psychology guide. New York, NY: Worth Publishers