Empathic Essay (draft)
I’m disappointed. Really disappointed.

Everybody’s congratulating me on my performance.

I was so happy before the performance started. My uncle Rawhiri came back from somewhere called Papua New Guinea, and Nani was wearing her ‘vegetable’ hat with the dress that Uncle Rawhiri bought for her, and some lime-green panels to it that made her look “out of this world”, Uncle Rawhiri said. Which was really funny because the dress was red. My dad was also there. But paka wasn’t. But it didn’t matter, because he could always come later and listen to my speech at the end.

The school break-up ceremony was going to be held on a Friday evening, and I had sent out invitations to EVERYBODY in the family, including Koro and his boys to the ceremony. I made sure to remind them to not wear leather jackets to the ceremony, and especially to NOT park the motorbike in the headmaster’s parking space again. I was so embraced last year...

When I saw my uncle and Nani, I asked Nani if I could fix her hat in the back seat, and outside the window, I saw Uncle laughing really hard while I fixed Nani’s hat. I don’t know why he was laughing though, because I didn’t find anything wrong with Nani’s outfit.

As it turns out, the correct word was ‘embarrassed’, not ‘embraced’. Whoops.. I was so excited for the whole performance; with the school choir, skits and gymnastics, and the neat clothes, I wasn’t really paying attention to the words for the invitation. And especially because my paka is coming to watch, I’m super excited because my speech later in the ceremony is for him.

Anyway, I lead Uncle, Nani and Dad to the hall, which was full of people already, where their seats were. I showed them the sign that I made for Koro’s seat, which says ‘reserved’ on it. Somehow their faces turned from delighted to sad, a face that says that they are feeling sorry for me. I didn’t understand it at first, but now I know why.

The performance started, and while I was singing, doing skits, or gymnastics, I kept looking back at the door. When was Koro going to come? I kept going back to the audience to ask uncle, Nani and daddy, and I would be asking when was he coming, and told Uncle that Koro would be missing the best parts of the show. But I really wished he could be here from the start of the performance, so he could see what I’ve done over the year.

Each performance came and went by, and when we went into the cultural part of the show, I ordered really loudly, ‘Hands on hips!’, ‘Let’s begin!’, and stomped my foot very enthusiastically. I was gleaming to the audience and my voice spread around the room.

As time went on, I realised that Koro wasn’t going to come. Because I am a girl. I started feeling really sad and disappointed. While I was doing the dance, I also saw Nani, dad and Rawhiri looking at me. It was like a face that felt really sorry for me, and I saw uncle try to get up halfway, but Nani pulled him down and muttered something. She was gripping him really hard and her lips were quivering.

Then I got it. They knew that Koro wasn’t going to come, and they were feeling sorry for me, as I really wanted Koro to watch the ceremony.
He didn’t come because I’m a girl. I’m not a boy and therefore continue the family role as chief. I don’t blame Koro really. It is my fault that I am a girl.

I saw their eyes getting misty as I performed, but as I thought about Koro not being here, I started to feel more and more disappointed as the performance went on. By the end of the performance, I just wanted to run away back to backstage to just sit there and cry. I wasn’t making eye contact at all, and I felt really sad and down. I especially didn’t want to see my family. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw them clapping as loud as they could, so I put up my best smile to comfort them. I felt much better, knowing that they were watching me.

Then, it was time for my surprise for Koro... but he wasn’t here. But when the headmaster announced my winning speech, I pretended he was there, watching and guiding me, just like the other people of my family and tribe.

As I was reading it out, my voice came along as a warm, clear and soft voice as I read out my love for my great-grandfather. I informed everybody in that hall about my family whakapapa, how grateful I am to be born and to live in Whangara, and my main aim in life was to fulfill the needs to her tribe. I felt tears in my eyes. The opportunity to read my poem out in front of my family was overwhelming.

But the person that I made it for wasn’t here. Koro. My chest hurt. I tried to stay happy, because uncle did a haka for support for me, along with the boys. Old Nani was also kicking off her shoes to help me be happy again. But in the end, I felt like all the energy was swept away. I felt really ashamed and disappointed. I wish paka was there to hear my speech.

Daddy then told me in the car that Koro couldn’t make it, and Nani confronted me to say that she was really going to get a divorce, but I was too tired to care about it.

It isn’t Koro’s fault that I’m a girl.

(Word count: 971 words)