FLASHBACKS

I remember how everything was perfect. You told me you will be there whenever I needed you. You told me how beautifully amazing I was when we met for the first time. Then, you told me that, you will never left me alone, because, you said you are my guardian angel. Reminiscing that night when you said "I have to go away. I'm sorry" and you left without no more words spoken, you left me speechless, and you made me pouring down hot streaming tears. You are unforgiven.

I remember how everything was tough. I remember I was at the stable, taking care of those horses that you and I use to ride. I haven't heard of you since that night. At that time it was almost six months since you left me, without calls and letters, I couldn't know how you are, where you are and why you left me. I was angry and frustrated because all you said to me before was a lie. My heart was torn, throbbing in pain. I couldn't endure it, and my eyes kept welding up tears. I remember when I came to your house the other day after you went away; I knocked once, then twice, then many times, hard enough to break it down. I shouted your name, but there was no response. Of course, I was knocking at the door of an empty house.

I remember how everything was troubled. I remember when I was walking at the park from my college to my apartment in King's Street, I stumbled upon you. All of my college assignments strewn everywhere. You helped me to pick up all of the papers. It was three years after you left me, and suddenly you showed up again. Why? You made my heart torn again. We just stand there, looked at each other, studying each other’s' faces. You looked different. You looked somewhat, paler, and weaker. You looked at me, but I could see that your eyes looked through me. You were studying your beloved face. I smiled, my eyes weld up with tears again and I tried to touch your face but you looked away. Suddenly, you turned and you ran. I could see your feet brought you away from me as fast as if I was also running, trying to catch you, trying to reach you. But I was just standing there, where you left me, feeling dumbfounded what I just did, to make you go away, again.

I remember when I was busy. Busy looking up names, searching your name in the internet. I googled, and your name suddenly popped up in the centre of my computer. I plastered a smile. I finally found you. My housemate said that I was a fool, trying to find you when you're the one who left me. But somehow, although I was still mad at you for breaking your promises, deep down I felt as if you weren't purposely left me. I could tell when I looked into your soft hazel eyes this evening. Are you alright? I wrote down your address, and that night I walked out of my apartment, determined to see you and put away the memories of three miserable years of my life behind me.

I remember when I rang the doorbell. I rang many times, I called your name, I cried. I reminisced how I felt when I knocked your door last three years. I didn't bear to fail this time, no not this time. Just after a few moments, the door opened, and a familiar looking woman was standing in front of me. It was your mother, looking beautiful like always, like you. She was surprised to see me, and I was surprised even more when she quickly hugged me. She asked why I never called them and send letters. I was puzzled; I told her how you left me that night without telling me why, without telling me where you will be going. She wasn't prepared for this and she broke down. I helped her to sit in the kitchen. And then she said, "Oh honey, I thought he has told you. I'm sorry." I said to her I don't want an apology but an explanation. So, she told me your story.

I remember when my cheeks are wet again. I remember I was in a ward, your ward. I walked into the room with a heavy heart, because I couldn't bear seeing you like that. You turned to look at me, and you let your tears fall. You said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I couldn't take care of you anymore." I broke down beside you. And I remember I hugged you and finally I'm in your arms that had always been guarding me. "I love you. So please, don't leave me again. Never." And we remained quiet to capture that moment that soon will end.

I remember when I read your letter that you have written for me the day before you left me. A special letter for a special someone, you said. And to me an explanation that I have been trying to find. You wrote; ".... You are my one true love, and you can never be replaced sweetheart. I could never stop loving you because you are truly a special woman in my life. You brought happiness in my life and you should know that your laughter has always been my favourite. I am really lucky, to have you inside my life. I would never regret that I had lent you my heart.
I'm sorry. But I have to go. I couldn't live beside you anymore because I 'm not strong enough to see you cry. I'm sick. And it is killing me slowly. I've diagnosed with brain cancer. And you could tell that I'm dying. I must let you go because I don't want you to see me like this. I'm sorry. And I love you. Please take care. And please.... forget me." My lips trembled. And I cried again.

I remember when the air was windy when you have gone. I remember I walked towards your grave and kneeled down to lay the flowers. All of your family were there. I could see your mother and her red rimmed eyes. She has cried enough. And I thought that I had too. I'm ready to let you go. And I want to tell you that my sweetheart, your love could never be replaced. I will always cherish our memories that we have shared together and I promise I will take care of myself. And I'm going to miss you. Badly. Thanks for the memories. Thank you for letting me become part of your life. And in your heart is forever I'll be.

I remember when I wrote this story. I remember when I told the New York Times publisher that I would like to share my story. I said, "Hi, my name is Rachel. And I've got story to tell."