Reframing Paper
We live by talking. We chatter and tattle and gossip and jest. But sometimes—more often than we’d like—we have stressful conversations, those sensitive exchanges that can hurt or haunt us in ways no other kind of talking does. Stressful conversations are unavoidable in life, and in business they can run the gamut from firing a subordinate to, curiously enough, receiving praise. But whatever the context, stressful conversations differ from other conversations because of the emotional loads they carry. These conversations call up embarrassment, confusion, anxiety, anger, pain, or fear—if not in us, then in our counterparts. Indeed, stressful conversations cause such anxiety that most people simply avoid them. This strategy is not necessarily wrong. One of the first rules of engagement, after all, is to pick your battles. Yet sometimes it can be extremely costly to dodge issues, appease difficult people, and smooth over antagonisms because the fact is that avoidance usually makes a problem or relationship worse.[1] I want share a stressful conversation I have met today.
Here is my situation: this morning when I woke up and went to kitchen I saw my lovely red stockpot laying in the sink looks like a big coal ball. It drives me mad. Actually I know what happened because this already happened a lot of times. One of my roommates “G” burned it again! She almost has burned all of my kitchen wares including my stockpots, pan, pancake turners, and several other wares. Another roommate “H” warned her lots of times because it’s very dangerous may cause a house fire. What’s more annoying me is that she never washes my kitchen wares after she burned/used it, if I want to use it I have to wash by myself. However, I don’t want have quarrel with her, I treat other people friendly and tend to ignore the things that I think is not a big deal. So I said nothing to her and go to take a shower. After that, I found she sent me a message in the group chat (all my two roommates and I in this group) say: “could you do not make the noise in the morning?! I am sleeping!” What a selfish person she is! It’s already 9 a.m. and I only take a shower she has no right to say I am making noise! I have been so far forbearing with her but I don’t want do those anymore.
Here are the massages I sent back to her in our group chat: Internal Dialogue | Spoken Dialogue | I get angry but I still won’t be rude.And I don’t want forbear you anymore if you are such a selfish person who is not considerate of others at all. Although I’m not really want to use the stockpot now I still want emphasize that you don’t even know the basic courtesy. She act like a queen without apologize. It seems like my anger is unreasonable.You are so rude, but I am a polite person.She knows that my stockpot cannot clean up again because it’s full of messes that are super hard to remove. And her tone is still very rude.I don’t really care if you can clean it up now or later, I don’t want you buy a new one, I just want to mention you that you are using my stuff and making trouble for me.I don’t want talk with you anymore. I showed you my point, please just do what I said.She may think I am an unforgiving person and try to say something to show her anger. Are you crazy?! You are so ridiculous! We live together for more than half year, you say you are not acquainted with me and dread to use my stuff? Then why didn’t you ask if these are mine before you use?! Ok, let me show you what you have used and I said nothing before.And I still do not want to quarrel with you, I don’t want waste time with you.I am sooo mad, but that’s all. I would rather not fight for some stupid thing. I am goanna to school and have a group meeting. | (Because our conversation is in Mandarin, so it is hard to translate our tone accurately and clearly.)I: Sorry, maybe the sound of water is a little bit loud. I’ll try to keep the sound down next time.And do you guys know who burned my red stockpot? I want to use it now, could you PLEASE wash it for me? Please wash the cover as well, it is so dirty.G: I’ll buy a new one. That’s what you mean.Where did you buy it?I: You don’t need you to buy a new one, just please wash it after use it.G: You cannot use it today. Just tell me where you buy it.I: I forget where I bought it. You could clean up it before tomorrow.G: I want buy you a new one.I: No. I just want mine stuff can keep clean after you use them.G: I don’t know that pot is yours. I think it is H’s(another roommate).I'm not acquainted with you so I dread to use your stuff.Sorry.But I’ll buy you a new one.You lose nothing.I: If you really want clear with me then I want to tell you that the two pots, stockpots, pan, pancake turners, cook chopper, chopping block, and kettle are all mine. You using them every day and burned them again and again, you really used my stuff a lot!Again, you can use whatever you want, I put them in the kitchen so everyone could use them, I just hope you could clean them up after you use.G: Wow, all of these are yours?I don’t know. I think they are H’s.I’ll buy new for you.I just mention you do not make noise, you said a lot back! It seems like I cannot afford these things.I: If you want buy just buy for yourself. Have a good day. |
Since stressful conversations are so common—and so painful—why don’t we work harder to improve them? The reason is precisely because our feelings are so enmeshed. When we are not emotionally entangled in an issue, we know that conflict is normal, that it can be resolved—or at least managed. But when feelings get stirred up, most of us are thrown off balance. Like a quarterback who chokes in a tight play, we lose all hope of ever making it to the goal line.[1]
Living with roommates isn’t always easy. Sharing a living space may be stressful, and conflicts may arise. Most roommate conflicts are the result of miscommunication. Forbearance is the main cultural spirit we Chinese people have. Therefore, we tend to escape some stressful conversation that may lead to conflict. In the conversation, I emphasize that I just want her clean up my stuff after she use, but she seems do not understand. She assertively think she buy a new one for me can solve all problems. I want to warn her that not act so selfish, and try to considerate of others. But I totally failed. In this case, I’m so mad and think G is a very bad person. However, after I leave home and walking on the street, I found the situation happened in the morning actually is my bad. I always ignore what she did and try to forbear her, she may even don’t know why I am suddenly so mad. Although she did a bunch of things which let me hate her, I didn’t tell her don’t do that again. Next time I will make sure I tell her specifically what I am comfortable sharing and what she have to do if she using my stuff.
Stressful conversations are never easy, but we can all fare better if we prepare for them by developing greater awareness of our vulnerabilities and better techniques for handling ourselves.
Reference
1. Holly Weeks. (2001). Taking the Stress Out of Stressful Conversations.
<https://hbr.org/2001/07/taking-the-stress-out-of-stressful-conversations?cm_sp=Topics-_-Links-_-Read%20These%20First>