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Gay Apocalypse

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Submitted By maximusfatticus
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The year is 3069. Our president, Perez Hilton the fourth, is spending trillions of dollars a day researching the elusive “Gay Gene.” His top scientist, Walt Disney, (who was brought out of his frozen chamber just two years back to spearhead the research on the gay gene) comes rushing into the spherical office with fantastic news, “Mr. President! It is done, I have successfully located the gay gene! Yippieee!” “Excellent, we will begin insertion immediately, this is going to be even bigger then the new Justin Spears CD!” Perez replies gleefully. The insertion is a process that all new born babies must go through where they will be given the gay gene so that they grow up to be gay. A large island just east of Jamaica, Efronia (named after the gay god Zac Efron), has been built as the fabulous Eden for the gays to flock during the eradication. Once everyone is safely corn-holed inside Efronia the rest of the world will be destroyed by nuclear warfare, effectively eliminating the parasite that has been ravaging the planet, the straight man. Our story leaps ahead years after the Eradication… the insertion is working perfectly and Perez, who is now known as His Fabulousness, looks at his land of Efronia, and it is good. The sky has been changed so it is constantly changing colors like a rainbow, the roads are painted yellow and made of brick, in honor of Judy Garland, who is studied in school as a hero of the old world. All intersections in Efronia have a statue of Zac Efron, whom which the land is named. Robots do any sort of labor, therefore everything is free, there is not even a form of currency in Efronia. The only worry on anyone’s mind is making sure they keep their lube stocks from going too low, lest they have to give up an opportunity. The citizens spend their entire days watching fashion shows on tv, eating fine cuisine, and having oodles of unprotected sex orgies under the glorious glow of the rainbow sky. There is not a care in the land, free and accessible plastic surgery have made it so everyone has the perfect chiseled jaw line and perfect body. Exhaustion is the only reason for not having sex, there is no worry of being too fat or ugly to get a piece. One day as Perez is getting his thighs liposuctioned by a gorgeous Zac Efron robot, he had a strange dream, in which an angel shows him the major flaw of his Eden, there is no way to reproduce without women and that the human race will slowly die out. The angel says to Perez: “You have brought this upon your people, the circle of life has been broken by your rash decisions. Your people must end so mankind may be restarted, and the circle repaired. There is nothing you can do; you had your chance. Humankind must be reborn.” He immediately stopped the lipo, he was not even worried that one of his thighs still had a little extra man meat; his main concern now was trying to save Efronia. Perez immediately calls Walt Disney to try and figure out what to do, but to his dismay Walt is busy with his big, black dominatrix and cannot speak because his mouth is lodged with a gag ball. Perez rides on his Zac Bot’s shoulders to go see Walt; he rides straight there, right past his favorite store without even taking a peek in the windows. Arriving at Walt’s, Perez rushes in and removes the gag ball, ignoring Walt’s screams to let him finish. “I have been warned in a dream, while getting some lipo, that mankind ends here, in Efronia, God is waiting for us to all die out so he can start the world over” cries Perez. “Oh you’re such a silly pants, it was probs just all those sweet drugs they had you on, Efronia will never die.” Replied Walt. “I’m being super serious here Walt, something must be done or we’re gonna all die, I don’t want to be the reason mankind is wiped out, so will you please help me?” retorted Perez. Walt finally agreed to help, after some tender persuasion from Perez, and they immediately set out to find a way to create babies without women. The first thing they tried was to extract eggs from gorillas and to artificially inseminate them with human sperm. The embryo could not develop because they were not compatible. “Im running out of ideas here Walt, maybe we could design a prosthetic uterus and grow a baby in my belly?” Questioned Perez. Walt created a uterus and placed it inside of Perez’s body, and injected him with some sperm from Zac Efron, which had been frozen for a thousand years and kept on Perez’s mantel. His sperm was thought to be the strongest of any of the possible specimen, and therefore most likely to work. As time passed Perez’s stomach grew bigger, no matter how much lipo he got his stomach would not get any smaller, he was indeed pregnant. Nine months later, the moment of truth came; Perez and Walt were both sitting down waiting, the baby would be ready to come out of the prosthetic oven at any time. “OH MY GOD, IM GOING TO POP, GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME NOW!!!” Perez screamed. The nearby Zac Bot that was going to help deliver the baby unleashed a giant needle full of morphine directly into Perez’s spine and his pain went away. The Zac Bot immediately started the cesarean, and the baby’s head slowly emerged from Perez’s belly. “We did it!!!” exclaimed Walt, “We saved mankind.” Perez was equally excited, but was paralyzed by the drugs, unable to formulate words. “Oh god no, it cant be” Walt began to cry, “it’s a boy.” Perez gasped. They had not considered that there was only a fifty percent chance that the baby would be a girl. Immediately after the boy, whom they named Zaquisha Perez, had been born Perez decided to try and get pregnant again, he went to get his stash of Zac Efron sperm, and realized that it was all used creating Zaquisha. Surprised, Perez says to Walt “I guess we’ll need to do it the old fashioned way Walt, get over here papi.” They spend two months trying to impregnate Perez, they even try and make a new Uterus thinking that maybe the other one broke during childbirth, but have no luck. “I guess only the Zac Efron sperm was potent enough… we’re screwed” exhaled Perez; “We’re just going to have to make the best of the time we have left I suppose…” Perez and all of his fellow Efronians lived out their days until slowly they died out and only poor Zaquisha was left, who then killed himself out of boredom and loneliness. Thus is the tale of the Rainbow Paradise and the fall of man.

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