At the youthful age of twenty-one, I thought I knew of many secrets and strategies of how to win friends and influence people. Meeting strangers is in my comfort zone. I love talking to people; I enjoy learning how others process thoughts which form conversations. It has been said to me many times that I could have a conversation with a brick wall. Anyone that has ever literally tried having a conversation with a brick wall could come to this realization - having a real meaningful and effective conversation requires two logical people both interested in the other. After reading and studying Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, I discovered my tactics for interacting with others weren’t parallel to the ways you can actually triumph in the social world. The quote by Dale Carnegie painted a clear picture for how I should go about interacting with others – “There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do, how we look, what we say, and how we say it.” The techniques used to obtain what we desire from people stem from our interpersonal skills and situational awareness. How to Win Friends and Influence People provides methods and instructions on how to handle people, how to make people like you, how to win people to your way of thinking, and how to be a leader. Within every objective Dale Carnegie presented I discovered an effective approach that would benefit both parties in situations that were possibly detrimental in the past.
The first chapter exposes the fundamental techniques in handling people. Carnegie gave three ways to handle others and the first approach is to avoid criticism, condemnation and complaining. Avoiding these three characteristics is difficult considering most humans are naturally more inclined to talk about what is in their best interest or concern. My senior year of high school I experienced a huge change in my life when my parents got divorced. I anticipated their divorce years before it actually happened and until recently, I have given criticism and condemnation to my mom for the ways she handled the situation. It obviously takes two people to get married and divorced. I usually only gave the condemnation to my mother because she did not conceal any harsh action, but presented her troubles in front of me and my two brothers. Carnegie says on page 5 that “criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself…by criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.” That is exactly what happened in my situation with my mother. Instead of going about our relationship complaining about what my mother could have done to better the situation between her and my father, I will follow Carnegie’s second principal in part one – to give honest and sincere appreciation. Clearly I do not know what it means to be a wife or a mother, because I am not one. My understanding of her situation roots in my position as a daughter in our family and I judged the situation in selfishness by thinking what was best for us children. Henry Ford said “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” Because my mother sacrificed her career and life to raise us, I should appreciate her and try to understand her perspective, regardless of any metal illness. I know my mother eagerly desires for her children’s love and appreciation and the third strategy in handling people is to arouse in the other person an eager want. It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving in situations like mine. Everyday, regardless of my mother’s mental state that day, I will strive to give her a feeling of importance and show my appreciation for her in my life.
Part two contains six ways to make people like you. The first principal says to become genuinely interested in other people. When I think about how to be genuinely interested in another person I recognize the importance of caring about that person and their interest. The example Carnegie explains about the affection and unconditional love we receive from our dogs was a great illustration of how to be a great friend. Returning home for the holidays, or just any ordinary visit, I am always greeted at my mom’s house by our dog Lacee. Even after being gone for months at a time, she is ecstatic about my arrival and greets me with enthusiasm. This example solidifies Publilius Syrus’ quote “We are interested in others when they are interested in us.” Principal two explains the power of a smile. A smile can never run out of style, they are the best things one can ever wear. Smiles create an infinite impact on people and can even influence what that person does next and the choices they make. While traveling around Spain this past summer, I was often very confused and lost because of the language barrier. The impact I had approaching people with a smile was incredible. Numerous times I could tell a clerk or waitress would become frustrated with my lack of Spanish vocabulary, but a simple smile developed a mutual understanding of the situation and often resulted in additional guidance. The third principal explains the importance of knowing and remembering peoples names. Jim Farley explained on page 73 that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. This principal spoke to my heart deeply. My grandfather is from the small town, Enterprise, Al. When I was younger I would watch many people come up and speak to him. Whether it was at church or at lunch, he addressed them by their name and made each and every one feel important by inquiring about their family and personal lives. The impact my grandfather had on me was unlike any other, I always aspired to have the same impact on people as my Pop did, to not just know their name but to follow the next principal in making people like you – to be an attentive listener. He always asked questions that people enjoyed answering and encouraged them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. He knew how to instantly make people like him by focusing conversations on what the other person was interested in – which the fifth principle explains. Just as politician Roosevelt did, my Pop studied people from their roots to their current situation in life. At Pops funeral a few years back, a sweet lady came up to me giving kind remarks about my grandfather. I learned that she was Pop’s hygienist at the dentist. Tears started flowing when she said, “your Pop never failed to make me feel like the most important person in the world.” She went on to explain that he listened so well that he picked up on her desire to repair her relationship with her husband. Because he cared for her, he generously gave the couple a large check so they could escape to the beach for a weekend. Pop displayed principal six to a tee; he sincerely made everyone he encountered feel important. These six ways to make someone like you benefit every part of communication. From a business transaction to a deep friendship, these techniques allow you to glide through the social realm giving a positive and lasting impression on everyone you encounter, even if they don’t think like you.
“We can agree to disagree,” a common quote when interacting with certain people in my family. I am totally content with agreeing to disagree, but some aren’t. I learned in part three of this book that the only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it. Guilt came upon me because I realized that because of my confrontational personality, I rarely avoid arguments. The principals in this part contain strategies on how to win people to your way of thinking. Principle one goes on to discuss how “a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.” Disagreements do not have to result in an argument if handled correctly. The first instinct we have is to express our disagreements and voice our opinions. Looking back on how I have handled disagreements in the past I realized that was one of my largest flaws. Being quick to comment, “you’re wrong,” can come back to bite you and I have experienced that too many times. Often, it is hard admitting our faults because our pride stands in the way. The past experiences in telling someone they were wrong has only made our disagreements worse. Showing respect for the other person’s opinion can significantly increase the chances of them agreeing with you. Countless times I have been clearly wrong in an argument, but had a firm stance on my opinion. I learned from principal three that admitting you are wrong could minimize the mistakes you make. My roommate and I get along like sisters. I know she thinks derogatory things about me sometimes without speaking her feelings directly to me. If I were to say to her that I understand her feelings about the problems she has with me, our disagreements could be resolved very easily. Instead, I get defensive about issues and it usually erupts into something unnecessary. Lincoln said, “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” Friendliness and gentleness result in a much more calm and logical discussion. Another point made to help win people to your way of thinking is to look for the things that you agree on before finding areas where you disagree. This tactic initiates a positive attitude in the other’s mind. By getting the individual to say “yes” immediately, you can pave the way for a person to let go of some of their pride and be open to ideas. Letting the other person do a great deal of talking during a conversation can increase the likelihood that they will agree with you on your opinions. When thinking about conversing with someone who speaks the majority of the time I instantly am reminded of my father. His guidance and unconditional support is more influential than any other role model in my life, and for that I am so grateful. He tends to control the majority of every conversation we have with his thoughts and opinions, and sometimes he concludes that I agree with him, when in fact, I don’t. After expressing to him my disagreements, we usually have a more beneficial resolution because he knew that I tried to understand his viewpoint by considering all of his points. Normally, I end up opening my mind to his opinion because I know he has honorable intentions. The occasional disagreements we share could be resolved using another principal in this chapter- to dramatize ideas. Regretfully, I find myself not expressing my ideas in a way to successfully gain support. Throwing down a challenge can benefit both parties if the challenge is presented in a logical and respectful fashion.