How To Win Friends & Influence People written by Dale Carnegie

Whitney Archer

King University

Management of Organizations

Professor Carter Wade

June 2, 2013

Written by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People, was first published in 1937. Only five thousand copies were printed because neither Carnegie nor the publishers thought that this book was going to make it as big as it has indeed become. The book became a hit overnight and copies starting rolling off the presses to supply the ever increasing public demand. How to Win Friends & Influence People has become an all-time international best-seller, and the book has even been translated into almost every known written language (Carnegie, Carnegie, & Carnegie, 1981). Throughout this book, Carnegie provides us with examples that are intertwined with references, quotes, and stories from the eras of Franklin and Teddy Roosevelt, Civil War generals, English Kings, Abraham Lincoln, John D. Rockefeller and many others.

Now days, the age of this book might come across to younger generations as unenticing, but do not let the age of this book fool you! Carnegie’s older stories and examples do hold substantial meaning in today’s world and generations. In fact, the lessons and insights can apply to any organization, decade, and situation involving people. This is one characteristic that makes this book such a timeless classic! The basics for this book is all about people: how to understand and get along with people, how to win others to your way of thinking, and how to make people like you. The methods Carnegie suggests are not about persuading, tricking, or taking advantage of others. It is not a book centralized on oneself; instead, How to Win Friends & Influence Others focuses on the honest needs and wants of others. While reading this book, one cannot help but to think about the golden rule: Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.

Part One: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

Carnegie opens this section of the book with the intriguing story about the one of most historic manhunts New York City had ever encountered. On May 7, 1931 “Two-Gun” Crowley, a killer, was finally caught and trapped in his girlfriend’s apartment after a three-month killing spree. Sadly, his victims were mostly police officers. Crowley’s hatred towards law enforcement was speculated to begin because of the absence of his father whom was believed to be a police officer. His feelings exacerbated when his brother John was killed by law enforcement for resisting arrest. Crowley was branded one of the most “dangerous criminals ever encountered in the history of New York” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 3). Carnegie tells us this story because it is interesting to learn how Crowley perceives himself. While police officers were firing shots into his apartment, Crowley wrote a letter stating, “Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one- one that would do nobody any harm” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 4). When Crowley was approaching the electric chair he said, “This is what I get for killing people? No, this is what I get for defending myself” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 4). The reason Carnegie tells this story is to point out that “Two Gun” Crowley did not blame himself for anything. In fact, most people do not criticize themselves for their own actions no matter how wrong it may be (Carnegie et al., 1981).

The first principle in this section is to not “criticize, condemn, or complain about other people” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 16). Criticism is pointless and puts people on the defense. Carnegie (1981) suggests that criticism is also dangerous because it hurts a person’s “precious” pride and that provokes resentment. Then resentment can undermine relationships between “employees, family, and friends and still not correct the situation that has been condemned” (p. 6). As an alternative, people need to try and understand why people do what they do.

The second principle addressed is to “give honest and sincere appreciation” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 29). One of America’s most insightful philosophers, John Dewey, said that the “deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 17). The desire to be important runs almost as deep as the desire for food or sleep. Carnegie (1981) suggest that in order to make someone want to do something, make them feel appreciated. Abraham Lincoln said, “Everybody likes a compliment” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 18). All in all, Carnegie is saying if you can stimulate enthusiasm in people and a sense of good will, you began to utilize the true power of appreciation.

The third important principle is Carnegie’s advice to “arouse in the other person an eager want” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 46). One effective way to get people to do what they NEED to do is to make them WANT to do it. When addressing people, talk about what they want and show them how to achieve it. Always ask yourself, “How can I make this person want to do it?” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 33). For example, if you do not want your children to smoke, do not preach about you not wanting them to smoke. Instead, show them that smoking may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash (Carnegie et al., 1981). Henry Ford quoted it best when regarding human relationships: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 35).

Part Two: Six Ways to Make People Like You

Principle one: “Become genuinely interested in other people” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 62). Carnegie (1981) suggests if you want to make friends, greet people with animation and enthusiasm, and do things for others that require “time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness” (p. 58)! Principle two is simple: Smile. Carnegie says it all in one line: Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 63). Carnegie’s third principle is to “remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 79). Franklin D. Roosevelt always kept that in mind and knew that remembering names and making people feel important were effective tools in gaining good graces. The fourth principle is to “be a good listener and encourage people to talk about themselves” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 88). A harsh reality is people who constantly talk about themselves only think about themselves! The fifth principle: “talk in terms of the other person’s interest” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 93). Theodore Roosevelt was known to have an astonishing and broad knowledge of different subjects when communicating with his visitors. Why? Because when Roosevelt expected a visitor, he would stay up the night before reading particular subjects that he knew his guest was interested in. Roosevelt knew “that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things they treasure most” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 89). Finally the sixth principle Carnegie suggests is to “make the other person feel important- and do it sincerely” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 104).

Part Three: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

Principle one in this section of the book states: “The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 115). Often times, people want to achieve victory, but Carnegie (1981) tells us about Ben Franklin’s wise/old saying- “Arguments are an empty victory because you will never achieve your opponent’s good will” (p. 112). Principle two is self-explanatory: “Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 126). Carnegie’s principle three is “if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 134). Carnegie makes his point in telling us to remember the old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 134). Carnegie goes on to write about nine more principles that will win people to your way of thinking: “Begin in a friendly way. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Let the other person feel that the idea is theirs. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. By sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. Appeal to the nobler motives. Dramatize your ideas. Throw down a challenge” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 189-190).

Part Four: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Principle one: “Begin with praise and honest appreciation” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 198). Principle two suggests to “call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 202). Carnegie brings to our attention one little three-letter word that can make a good sentence go bad. A lot of people begin their criticism with genuine praise trailed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. Changing the word “but” to “and” has a more effective tone in addressing the problem but no longer sounds condemning (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 200-201). Principle three: “Talk about your own mistakes first” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 206). Principle four: “Ask questions instead of giving orders” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 210). Carnegie says that asking questions also stimulates creativity in the person you are asking! Principle five: “Let the other person save face” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 214). This method simply means that if we are right and the other person is wrong, there is no reason to be over zealous about it. Do not make the other person walk away feeling undermined and stupid. Carnegie’s principle six is to “praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 220). Principle seven in this section is to “give the other person a fine reputation to live up to” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 225). Principle eight: “Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 230). And last but not least, the ninth principle is to “make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest” (Carnegie et al., 1981, p. 235). An effective leader will use all these tools to promote a healthy and positive means of communication!

This book is truly amazing. Dale Carnegie not only gives us his profound advice on how to achieve these principles, but goes one step further and provides us with an explanations. Carnegie shows us where and how he came up with his theories. One thing that makes this book so interesting and unique is his use of antidotes with historical figures, quotes, and stories. Carnegie uses ways to relate to all different walks of life. This book may have been wrote in 1937, but each generation has discovered it over and over and can always find it relevant!

References

Carnegie, D., Carnegie, D. D., & Caregie, D. (1981). How To Win Friends & Influence People. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.