THE MANS’ GUIDE TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHERS HUSBAND… * FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT RULE… DON’T TOUCH HER CAMERA. EVER. * SECOND. HAPPY WIFE = HAPPY LIFE. KNOW THIS. IT WILL COME IN REALLY HANDY. * KNOW THAT YOUR WIFE WILL MAINLY WEAR YOGA PANTS OR PAJAMA PANTS WITH A HOODIE MOST DAYS YOU GET HOME FROM WORK. * EVERY PIECE OF JEWELRY YOU PASS BY IN THE STORE WOULD LOOK GOOD HANGING AROUNT THE FINGER, WRIST, OR HAND OF THE HER UPCOMING CLIENT. * DON’T BE WORRIED WHEN YOUR WIFE COMES TO BED AT 2 AM BECAUSE OF EDITING. * YES, WATCHING THE BACHELOR OR VAMPIRE DIARIES IS CONSIDERED A FORM OF WORK IF YOU HAVE AN OPEN LAPTOP AND ARE SORTING/EDITING PICS WHILE ADVERTISEMENTS PLAY. * REST EASY KNOWING THAT EVERY LITTLE TAIL-WAG AND WOOF OF YOUR DOGS’ LIFE IS DOCUMENTED THROUGH PHOTOGRAPHS. THIS COULD ALSO RING TRUE OF ANY VISITING CHILDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 3. * JUST KNOW YOU’LL NEVER EVER END UP BUYING HER A USEFUL OR SUFICIENT CAMERA BAG. SHE’LL SMILE AND SAY “THANKS” AND YOU’LL NEVER SEE IT LEAVE THE CAMERA CLOSET… THIS BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT… * YOU WILL HAVE A “CAMERA CLOSET.” (A CLOSET FULL OF EVERYTHING/ANYTHING RELATED TO TAKING A PHOTO. FYI.) * KNOW THAT THE CAMERA ITSELF MEANS NOTHING. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE LENS. GET THIS RIGHT AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE MUCH EASIER. SO HINT HINT… YOU WILL OWN MANY (AND I MEAN MANY) LENSES. AND YES SHE WILL TAKE ALL OF THE LENSES AND TELL YOU THEY ARE ALL NEEDED FOR THIS SHOOT… BUT KNOW SHE’LL ONLY USE A MAX OF 2 OF THEM ON ANY GIVEN SHOOT. IT’S NORMAL. JUST ROLL WITH IT. * IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE AND ALL YOU HOLD DEAR, NEVER. AND I MEAN NEVER TOUCH ANY GLASS PART OF ANY LENS. YOU WILL GET FINGERS HACKED OFF IF YOU DO. * KNOW THAT YOUR WIFES’ DAILY PRAYER COUNT WILL DOUBLE FROM NOW ON BECAUSE OF ALL THE ASKING FOR NO WIND OR RAIN. * YOU’D BETTER START WORKING OUT AND EATING A LOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BULK UP FOR YOUR NEW ROLE IN HER LIFE THAT CONSISTS OF THREE THINGS: 1- CARRYING HER BAGS/PROPS 2- KEEPING HER SAFE FROM THE “DRUNK RELATIVES” THE BRIDE/GROOM MAY HAVE 3- BUYING HER A BEAN BURRITO AFTER THE SHOOT * JUST TRAIN YOURSELF TO NEVER ASK HOW MUCH SOMETHING COSTS… JUST KNOW IT’LL ALWAYS BE EXPENSIVE. * JUST ACT LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT APERTURE, ISO, SEPIAS, AND SOMETHING BEING PIXELATED. IT’S EASIER THIS WAY. SOMETIMES MY FRIEND, IGNORANCE IS BLISS. * KNOW THAT WHEN A PHOTOGRAPHER SAYS THEY HAVE 1000 PEOPLE FOLLOWING THEIR PHOTOGRAPHY BLOG, 950 OF THEM ARE OTHER PHOTOGRAPHERS. IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. YOUR WIFE HOWEVER, WILL NEVER ADMIT THIS TO HERSELF BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE ALL OF THE OTHER PHOTOGRAPHERS HAVE MORE PHOTO SHOOTS THAN HER. IF YOU WANT PROOF, LOOK AT HER OWN WEBSITE OR BLOG AND YOU’LL SEE SHE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE SHE HAS TONS OF SHOOTS TOO. MOST PHOTOGRAPHERS I THINK ARE IN THIS SAME BOAT. THEY JUST SIT AND DREAM ABOUT WHAT IT’D BE LIKE TO BE LIKE THAT “OTHER PHOTOGRAPHER” AND HAVE ALL THE CLIENTS… AND IN REALITY, THE “OTHER PHOTOGRAPHER” IS THINKING THE SAME ABOUT YOU. SO, JUST ROLL WITH IT. * KNOW THAT YOUR WIFE WILL NEVER BE CONTENT WITH ANY PICTURE OF HERSELF AGAIN. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE THAT “ONE LITTLE THING” THAT JUST WASN’T QUITE RIGHT. * I MAY HAVE TOUCHED UPON ONE OTHER THING EARLIER… BEAN BURRITOS… THE FUEL OF THE GREAT PHOTOGRAPHERS. EVERY PHOTO SHOOT SHOULD END WITH THE HUBBY BUYING THE WIFEY A GOOD MEXICAN FOOD DINNER EITHER CELEBRATING A GOOD SHOOT, OR BRUSHING OFF A BAD SHOOT. * DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING LIGHTROOM IS JUST THAT, A ROOM FULL OF LIGHT. IT’S NOT. JUST LIKE PHOTOSHOP IS NOT A SHOP FULL OF PHOTOS. IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT SOON, YOU’LL LOOK AND SOUND LIKE AN IDIOT. * NEVER BUY ANYONE THE GIFT OF A CANON REBEL. YOU INSTANTLY HAVE WRITTEN OFF ONE OF YOUR WIFE’S CLIENTS NAD INSTATNTLY MADE THIS PERSON YOUR WIFES ENEMY BECAUSE WHOEVER YOU GAVE IT TO INSTANTLY BECAME A “PRO” AT TAKING PICTURES. * DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ORDERING ANY PICTURES FROM WAL-MART EVER AGAIN. YOUR WIFE WILL SAY IT MAKES HER SOUL HURT AND HER EYES BLEED. (IT’S TRUE) * WHATS MOST FUN IS WHEN YOUR WIFE IS SMILING A TON BEHIND THE CAMERA WHEN SHE SAYS “CHEESE” OR, WHATEVER SHE SAYS, AND IT’S A GENUINE SMILE BEHIND THE CAMERA, BUT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, PEOPLE ARE FAKING THE SMILE. IT’S QUITE AMUSING TO WATCH. YOU’LL SEE. * YOU’LL LOOK AT YOUR WIFE SOMETIMES AND YOU’LL WONDER HOW IN THE WORLD SHE HAS CONTORTED OR STRETCHED HERSELF TO A CRAZY POSITION TO TAKE A PICTURE, BUT YOU ASK HER TO STRETCH OUT OR BEND MORE WHEN YOU’RE GETTING IT ON IN BED AND SHE LAYS THERE STIFF AS A BOARD AND MAINLY USES ONE POSITION. DOESN’T MAKE SENCE TO ME… * ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE WILL HAVE SPECIAL OUTFITS, SHOES, GLOVES, HAIR STYLES, ECT… ONLY TO BE USED WHEN TAKING PICTURES. SHE MAY EVEN BE WALKING THROUGH A MALL AND POINT OUT SPECIFIC CLOTHES THAT WOULD ENHANCE HER ABILITY TO TAKE A PICTURE. (DON’T LAUGH TIFF, YOU HAVE GLOVES THAT ARE FOR THIS…) LIKE THE TRY-OUT LEADER ON PITCH PERFECT SAID, “THIS SHIT IS REAL LIFE!” * KNOW THAT ANY OBJECT IN, AROUND, CONNECTED TO, OR ATTACHED TO YOUR PROPERTY MAY BE USED FOR THE BETTERING OF A PHOTO SHOOT, OR USED AS A PROP AT A MOMENTS NOTICE. DON’T LET THIS ONE FOOL YOU. EVEN THINGS AS SILLY AS CLOSET DOORS ARE SUBJECT TO BE USED. * NEVER. AND I MEAN EVER TRY TO HELP POSE PEOPLE SHE IS ABOUT TO PHOTOGRAPH. IF YOU WANT HER TO GET ANGRY QUICKLY, TRY THIS OUT ONCE. I BET IT’LL BE THE LAST TIME YOU DO.
EVEN IF SHE LETS YOU POSE THEM, SHE MAY NOT SAY ANYTHING RIGHT THEN, BUT WHEN SHE EDITS THE PICTURES, THAT POSE WILL NOT BE AN EDITED ONE. SO SAVE YOURSELF THE HASSLE. * FYI. RED LINES AND YELLOW LINES ON THE LENS OF A CAMERA IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY WORLD MEANS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PUTTING BREAD ON THE TABLE AND BEING A COMPLETE FAILURE. I STILL DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS CONCEPT 100%, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE HOLDING TRUE. * IF YOUR WIFE DRIVES ANYTHING THAT DOESN’T HAVE AT LEAST 30 CUBIC FEET OF STORAGE SPACE IN THE TRUNK, YOU MIGHT AS WELL SLAP A “FOR SALE” STICKER ON THAT SUCKER ASAP BECAUSE YOUR TRUCK IS UNDER ATTACK AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF DRIVING ALL OVER TO FIT THE EQUIPMENT IN THE BACK. SO, FOR YOUR TRUCKS SAKE, BUY HER SOMETHING BIGGER FOR GOODNESS SAKE. P.S. SOMEWHERE WRITTEN IN THE PHOTOGRAPHERS BIBLE IT STATES: “THOU SHALT NOT DRIVE A MINI-VAN OR THOU SHALT LOOK LIKE A FOOL.” TO THIS DAY, I DO NOT KNOW A PHOTOGRAPHER THAT DRIVES A MINI-VAN. * COME TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT YOUR FACEBOOK WALL WILL TURN INTO YOUR WIFES PERSONAL WALL TO ADVERTISE HER BUSINESS TO YOUR FRIENDS. THE SOONER YOU COME TO TERMS WITH THAT, THE EASIER IT WILL BE TO POST THE PICTURES OF THE LITTLE BABY OR SOME RANDOM PEOPLE’S WEDDING PICTURES WILLINGLY TO YOUR WALL. JUST DO IT. * REALIZE THAT YOU WILL HAVE TO SOMETIMES DRIVE 100 MILES TO TAKE A PICTURE IN FRONT OF A BRICK WALL YOU COULD HAVE FOUND 1 MILE FROM YOUR HOUSE. DEAL WITH IT JUNIOR. THAT WALL MADE YOUR WIFE HAPPY. THE OTHER BRICK WALL CLOSE TO YOUR HOUSE WOULD NOT HAVE MADE YOUR WIFE HAPPY EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS ALMOST IDENTICAL. IT’S ABOUT THE WIFE BEING HAPPY. OK? OK. * REALIZE THAT YOU, YOURSELF, WILL NEVER EVER GET TO TAKE GOOD PICTURES AGAIN. YOUR WIFE IS A PRO. NONE OF THE MEASLEY ATTEMPTS TO CAPTURE A PICTURE WILL EVER MATCH UP TO THE MAJESTY OF THE PICTURES YOUR WIFE HAS TAKEN. SORRY, HARD TRUTH. JUST HAND HER OVER THE CAMERA, AND LET HER SING BIBBITY BOBBITY BOO AND TURN THE PICTURE INTO GOLD WHEN IF YOU WOULD HAVE TAKEN IT, IT WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE AN ONION. PHOTOGRAPHERS DON’T LIKE ONIONS. * FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH INSTAGRAM AND PINTEREST. I KNOW IT’S NOT MANLY, BUT YOU AT LEAST NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE HECK YOUR WIFE IS POSTING TO. YES MEN, I HAVE A PINTEREST ACCOUNT. NO I HAVE NO PINS, BUT I CAN SAY I TRIED TO SUPPORT MY WIFE. PASS NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE. * YE BE WARNED. YOU WILL END UP CARRYING UN-MANLY OBJECTS. MY WIFES PERSONAL FAVORITE IS A CLEAR-GIRLY UMBRELLA. YOU MAY HOLD THINGS LIKE PURSES, THINGS WITH LACE ON THEM, PINK BLANKETS, WOMENS SHOES, LIP GLOSS IN YOUR POCKET, ECT… JUST BE PREPARED TO BE SEEN WITH ACCESSORIES YOU WOULDN’T NORMALLY BE CAUGHT DEAD WALKING AROUND WITH. JUST SUCK IT UP. * BE PREPARED TO TALK WITH SOME WEIRD PEOPLE. YOU WILL SIT FOR HOURS WAITING FOR A WEDDING TO END AND IN THAT TIME, YOU WILL GET APPROACHED AND ASKED WHO YOU ARE RELATED TO, WHY YOU ARE THERE, AND THEN TOLD STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW OR CARE ABOUT, BUT YOU’LL LISTEN WITH A SMILE BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T YOU’LL FALL OVER DEAD FROM BOREDOM. THERE ARE WEIRD PEOPLE AT WEDDINGS… JUST A HEADS UP. * ABOVE ALL, KNOW THAT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO LOVE YOUR WIFE. SUPPORT HER IN ALL SHE DOES NO MATTER WHAT. ENJOY YOUR TIME BEING WITH HER ON PHOTO SHOOTS. I KNOW I’VE ENJOYED BEING ON TEMPLE GROUNDS WITH HER, HOLDING HANDS AS WE WALK FROM PLACE TO PLACE, AND LAGHING AT OUR INSIDE JOKES AS WE TRY TO CUT THROUGH THE BOREDOM OF A LONG WEDDING SHOOT. KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT SHE LOVES DOING AND IT MAKES HER HAPPY. LET THAT BE ENOUGH… TO SEE HER SMILE AND SUCCEED. LOVE YOU TIFF.

GOOD LUCK.

SIGNED YOUR FELLOW HUSBAND OF A PHOTOGRAPHER…
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