When you make the decision to get married you do so with forever in mind. So when you find that your forever is not as long as you thought it changes your whole world. However it’s not only about the two of you. What about the children, how are they supposed to understand that their life will never be the same? As adults we make decisions based on how we feel and what we think is best for all involved. Not realizing that sometimes; not always divorce has a negative impact on the little ones trapped in the middle. When you decide to divorce you need to remember that your child is not a middle man, their emotional wellbeing should be first and they need to be provided with any help possible to make the life changing transition easier for them to understand and make it through.
The research that has been done with these children has shown that they experience a higher incidence of internalizing problems, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive worry, problems with concentration and attention, difficulty with emotional regulation, and sleep-related problems. These children tend to externalize their problems with behaviors such as aggressiveness, anger, academic difficulties, poorer peer relationships, resentment of authority, inability to adapt to new situations, sexual acting-out, drug and alcohol use, problems as young adults with intimacy, and problems in their own marriages. (Shienvold)
They say children are resilient and they bounce back easily. That most won’t even remember that mommy and daddy were once married and happy. Truth is children know and see more than adults give them credit for. The day you thought you were hiding your sadness so well and your child came up to you and hugged you and said I love you mom/dad. The day you thought they didn’t hear you crying in the bathroom. The moment you thought your smile could hide it all are all lies. Children are more in tune with their emotions than most adults and they pay way more attention because they are in fact still learning. They are sponges ready to soak up any and everything. Adding the fact that they love their family, they are able to sense when something is wrong even though no-one is saying anything.
“Adolescence is a difficult developmental time of life, even without the added stress of parental separation and divorce” (Shienvold) Children facing divorce tend to externalize their problems with aggressive behaviors and anger. This trickles down into their schooling and interactions with classmates. When faced with a divorce that they do not understand; you have the chance of your child acting out. Talking back to authority figures because of the anger that has been building since what they view as the break of their family. Children who are not properly helped through the situation can develop issues that stay with them into adulthood.
The thought is if divorce was made harder to get more marriages would work towards repair. This is actually an issue in and of itself, while divorce has the potential to hurt children. Staying together for the sake of the children isn’t healthy either. This is why there is a need for a healthy medium. Preparing the child for the pending divorce, getting the child into therapy early. (Dilman Taylor) To help them understand what is happening and express how it makes them feel and what they think about it.
Choosing to shut your child out of what is happening only adds to the possibility of resentment towards you as a parent. It is very important to communicate with the child about what is going on. Where you are in the process and what the next steps are. How their life will change after the divorce and what is expected of them. As well as finding out what it is they expect of the divorcing parents. Allowing children to have therapy sessions both alone as well as with both parents and each individual parent helps open and maintain lines of communication.
With divorce comes multiple households, this drastic change can be very hard for a child to accept. Especially after having lived the majority if not all of their lives in the same single home with mom and dad. When children hop between two separate homes it puts a large amount of stress on a situation that is already extremely stressful. “Children moving between parent’s households are at a greater risk for social networking disorders and educational issues (Uphold-Carrier H). Moving causes children to lose what they feel is normal to them; friends for example. Knowing that one or both of their parents are going to move means they risk not being able to see and confide in their friends very often and in some cases ever again.
Parents must make their children their first priority in order to help them deal with the impacts associated with moving between homes and being in a new environment (both positive and negative). Doing so will help to re-establish balance in the children’s lives. Thus giving them a sense of security as they once did before the divorce occurred. In addition, it is important for parent to maintain a daily routine and perform similar activities with their children the same way they did before the divorce. These activities include, bedtime routines, reading together, watching TV, vacationing, and birthday celebrations (Kemp, M.A., Smith, M.A. and Segal, Ph.D.). By maintaining these rituals children have a stronger sense of stability. Especially when consistency and predictability in their day-to-day lives is being provided by their parents. Children experience a wide range of feelings, including stress, fear, anger, rejection, sadness, and loneliness when parent’s divorce. Parents can slow down and possibly prevent these things from escalating by engaging with their children. Doing so helps develop a better understanding of how they feel. Allowing the parents the ability to support them by sharing and dealing with their emotions. In addition, encouraging children to talk about what is on their mind helps them to relieve anxiety and recognize how their feeling. While giving the parents the opportunity to sympathizing with them in order to help them adjust to the divorce.
“Reassure your child that you both still love them and will always be their parents.” (Lewis M.D. and Sammons M.D.)Children in divorced families are more likely to have academic problems, be less responsible, less social, to become sexually active at a young age, to take drugs, to drop out of school than children in non-divorced families. Some is these problems are due to the lack of communication between parents and their children. Parents need to reassure their children they are loved. Children do best when they know that no matter what their parents do they are still there and they’re still love. Parents need to let their children know that they are not the reason of their divorce. This is why finding a program or a therapist for the family as a whole as well as the child(ren) individually is so very important. The major purpose of the sessions are to assist children so they can comprehend why the divorce happened. Giving them the option to openly express and discuss their indifferences, and to help them personally deal with divorce. Thus starting the process of eliminating stress or anger related factors caused by the divorce. This will also help parents and children communicate more successfully by exchanging personal information and experiences before and after the divorce. Helping them to understand each other so they can successfully get through the divorce process together.
Children often view themselves as the center of their parent’s world, universe even. So when something happens to the family the first thing they think is that it may have been something that they caused. In their mind everything that happens has something to do with them. This can cause them to grow up with this feeling of regret and worry they are at fault. A huge burden of self-guilt that they carry and have a hard time explaining to their parents.
Also, when the divorce is headed down the ugly path parents will sometimes put their kids in the middle, making the kid feel like they have to pick sides. This is unfair to the child and parents need to be mindful of the weight they are placing on their children. Parents shouldn’t talk about their fights between each other to the children, and try to get their kid to pick a side and agree with one parent over the other. To help the kids with the divorce they should try to make it as easy as possible on the kid. While remembering that they are in fact children and the explicit details of the problems that they face as adults are not suitable for the children’s ears.
Parents must also maintain their own mental stability for the sake of their children. If you break down they break down. Often times during the tough process of divorce one or both of the parents start to ignore their needs. The struggle to maintain their own mental stability begins. This directly impacts mom and dad and their ability to properly parent their child(ren). If the parents are feeling a sense of emotional detachment and abandonment it is likely the child(ren) will start to do the same. Thus lessening the efficiency of the parents care for their child(ren). The next of many hurdles to faces is the one of dating someone new. A lot of children hold on to the hope that mommy and daddy will get back together one day. Thus the introduction of someone new into their world can have serious repercussions. There needs to be time for the child(ren) to heal. If the parent has decided they are ready to date they have to remember that their child may not be on the same schedule as them. “Do not force an introduction of your new partner. If you have already decided they are the right person, do not force your children to meet or accept them. Give them time to get to know the new person in your life. If handled correctly, given time, your child will accept the relationship.” (DIVDATE) Trying to force a child who isn’t ready just creates more problems for you, the child and your new mate. Parents must be mindful in their attempt to make the transition easy for their children not to let the power slip. Often times in an effort to keep their child happy a parent will ease up on the discipline of the child. “As a single parent it is easy to take the path of least resistance and relax the rules a bit. Let’s face it, at times it is easier to just “do it yourself” than engage in the power struggle that can ensue when trying get a child to act.” (Meyer) It is very important that although going thru a horrible change, your child remembers and respects boundaries. Parents need not fall into the friend like behavior and allow their guilt to let their child get over on them. This is not healthy for the child as it gives them a false sense of power. It is also unhealthy for the parent as it creates another issue in an already complicated situation. While every situation is different and each child reacts differently. Parents need to be sure that once they tell their child it is over; it’s really over. Children need stability and parents need to make a choice and stick with it. Raising the hopes of a child to think there is a possibility of reconciliation when there is not is like adding salt to an open wound. Parents should not stay together for the sake of the children as that is not healthy. However they also should be clear in their decision to leave and move forward after that point.
The impacts of divorce stay with children well into adult hood; causing issues with relationships both personal and social. Children hold onto the pain cause by the ending of their families. This makes them cautious in trusting potential mates, starting a family of their own. Children of divorce build walls due to the hurt they encountered with the ending of their family. They have a hard time trusting and believing it is possible to have a real working relationship. Children of divorce are more likely to prefer to be alone to avoid any of the potential hassle they associate with relationships and marriage.
In conclusion, divorce is not easy for anyone, a lot of hearts are broken and minds confused. It is the responsibility of the parents to maintain a contentious relationship with each other and their children. Parents need to be honest with their children and allow them outlets to get their questions answered and express their feelings. It is not on the child to make sure everything is okay and fixed. That lies solely on the parents and their ability to be civil adults for the sake of their children. The children should face as little impact to their lives as possible in this type of situation. Parents #1 priority should be the mental, emotional and physical stability and health of their children. Attention must be given and paid to all children involved to notice any behavioral changes, not limited to but including depression, anger, disobedience and withdrawal. If the proper steps and time is taken the children can make it through with a lesser amount of damage than if they are not.

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