The cane. Simply put the stigma of the cane alone can be a daunting prospect. Never mind the fact that I don’t have a disability. In all honesty (and ethics aside) I was afraid to use a cane in public because canes are an instant label. Does it make any sense at all that I would be more comfortable using crutches than I would a cane? No? Me either, but that’s the truth of it in a nutshell. Realistically, though perhaps not logically, crutches convey something temporary, an injury that will eventually heal. An injury that perhaps could even be conceivably derived from my athleticism gone awry, a sign of my wholeness on pause that would eventually return. A cane labels you as weaker than the rest, unhealthy even, takes you aside socially, mentally and physically from those that walk and live unassisted, strong, normally. I don’t like thinking that I am capable of snap judgments on the characters of others whom I have never met. I don’t like to think that I am capable of thinking so shallowly. In fact when I am in the presence of someone that is disabled I can’t help but want to help. I consider their apparatus to be a part of their personal space, an extension of their bodies and respect their needs which are usually no more than patience and space. I will always hold doors, reach something for those that can’t or be sure my children are respecting boundaries and be patient around those that need more time to complete tasks. Though, in the confines of my human body, I found that it is nearly impossible to fight that first and fraction of a second reaction of being more capable than those that are using an aid, a wheelchair, a cane or walker. Why? Is it an instinctual presence in our brains that is hard wired to size up anyone that comes within our scope? I started to think about this over the course of my week with the cane and gauge not only my reactions to others but try and glimpse the reactions of others around me, their reactions to myself. The answer is a resounding, YES! We are constantly and always judging everyone around us, we can’t help it. The old woman who looks ill, the teenage girl with the too short skirt, the pretty mom that looks so put together even with her 4 kids(‘how does she do it”?), the man that keeps looking at me when he thinks I’m not looking….and we are all doing it. Why? I don’t know exactly, it’s hard to tell without knowing the exact lives of everyone else though I feel that we are all (most all) on constant meter to self-check our normalcy against the others in our day to day society. This left me feeling better and in a good place to start my hands on research with the cane. Not better that I was now free to judge everyone that I came across but better that I recognized this in myself and would not allow myself to finalize an opinion based on a first impression. It is hard to honestly say that I felt any real contempt during the periods I chose to use the cane. It was evident that due to my age and amount of children in tow that I was a definite curiosity among the other shoppers and caused many to glance and quickly look away. It was amusing though that the reactions I got were in direct relation to the family I had with me while using a cane and not the perceived disablilty. You would think that I might get less notice when accompanied by my children as they would make me seem MORE capable, the opposite was definitely true. While no one ever asked me if they could help me reach something on a shelf or push my cart, I was given a wide berth (which really could either have been attributed to the cane or my cranky, donut craving 4 year old who knows at this point) and felt that I was being sized up as to whether or not I was in a position to be caring for children. How dare they?! I know that may sound irrational but I really honestly felt that I was being chastised for caring for others while I obviously couldn’t do something as simple as walk unassisted. “What if one of my daughters were to streak away from my cart”? they silently asked” what would you do then”? It was disturbing. Compared to my family outing, using the cane alone was almost easy, I felt almost invisible, a mystery with injury and not responsible for the lives of others. Was it fear of overstepping societal boundaries that kept others averting their eyes or something more? In both instances the curiosity from most was plain as day, the pity from some was irritating and the impatience was felt though rarely, which was relieving. I felt that my experience was uneventful and I felt guilty for not having to endure more during my week with the cane. I felt that I deserve more as I might have also shunned another unknowingly and this was my time to understand that. I hope that I hadn’t. One thing I can be sure of, is that I was afforded the chance to review and renew my way of thinking. How I have been molded by my particular environment and society and that now, however I may have unintentionally reacted in the past, I aim to recognize that how I view others as judgment is the true handicap for which there is no cure but education.